Just keep humming along

January playlist

2012-02-13T20:51:00.004Z

Posted to my music blog last month, but thought I'll post 'em here as well. February being worked on as we speak..

Not music released in January, but as my moods change so frequently, it's what ~~I'm~~ I was listening to and loving ~~right now~~ in January (hope to do this every month this year..) - as always, an eclectic mix across decades and genres..

Foster The People - Warrant
Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton - Mostly Waving
Joel Plaskett - Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'
Tori Amos feat. Natashya Hawley - Job's Coffin
One Republic - Good Life
Lisa Hannigan - Sea Song
Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone
The Beatles - Because
DJ Earworm - World Go Boom (2011 mix)
The Bird and the Bee - Polite Dance Song
Goldenhorse - Fish
Vanessa Carlton - Fairweather Friend
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fancy
Robyn - Get Myself Together
Patti Griffin - Moon River

If anyone wants all/any of the tracks, just let me know...

Week Six

2012-02-12T16:42:00.000Z

And here's last week!

Sunday: 36

Cold but sunny Sunday.

Monday: 37

Beautiful sunset on my way home.

Tuesday: 38

Where did Kat go? she vanished leaving her warm clothes behind..

Wednesday: 39

Grrr. I am a fitness machine. (Hardly!)

Thursday: 40

Finalising the gig set list.

Friday: 41

On the treadmill!

Saturday: 42

Getting some work done before my gig that night.

and...

Ready to sing.

The Waiting Game

2012-02-07T18:38:00.003Z

How foolish I was growingup. I really thought that when I was a“serious musician” and “struggling for my art”, I would make ends meet and liveon barely any food and travel from place to place and it would be the mostwonderful life.

I now realise I would have hated it. Hated it. How could I havewished for poverty, mess and disorder in my life? How could someone like me cope with that?It’d be the worst thing I ever did.

Don’t get me wrong, I loveperforming. I love travelling. I would tour across the US living in a van. I can “rough it”. But I’d have some money in my pocket. Andmaybe it’s age now, that makes me shudder to think of living with nothing, butthere is also just too much pretty in the world; too many experiences that youmiss without a little cashflow.

Coming home from livingoverseas at 19 to realise that I now had to figure real shit out wasscary. I had debt up to my eyeballs(well, for a 19 year old without a degree to show for it!), no job, nowhere tolive and that ridiculous confidence you have when you’re that age and thinklife is about to do something amazing for you. I soon realised that hard work was in my future and over the last 9years have seen that dreams can come true in some ways, but not in others. Money comes and goes, and you will be richsometimes, and then very, very poor.

I used to tease Dave (andstill do sometimes) about how I “moved to Scotland for [him]”, and before Ileft had paid off my debt. After weekswithout work in Edinburgh (and then a trip to Canada) I had nearly half of itback. A year in, I had all of it back.

But you truck on. It’s hardly Dave’s fault that we’ve neverbeen the wealthiest of people. And it’snot mine, either. I moved to Scotland inthe midst of a recession, and I moved for love. It wasn’t opportunistic “OE” time, or “let’s save loads of money and gotravelling!” time. It was, “shit. I can’t be without this person.” And so itwas.

I started temping, thenmoved into a longer-term low paid role, which I enjoyed but struggledwith. I was promoted and given a littlemore, but even with the exchange rate, and lower cost of living, my salary wasstill £5k/year less than what I was earning in New Zealand before I left, and itwas hard for me to push myself to get out and about. My focus was also on buying my piano, on ourupcoming trip to Canada for a friend’s wedding, and on the bills that werestarting to mount up. Dave had a jobthat he enjoyed and stuck with until last September when he was made redundant,and it was paid at a very similar pay rate. It’s only now that I am on a higher salary and Dave is (nearly..nearly..) going to be paid a decent wage.

We’re nearly 3 yearsin. We’ve spent a lot of time gettingsettled and establishing our life here and solidifying our relationship. And now we’re going to have a little room tobreathe in the bank account and settling down for the long haul. So I am trying to imagine our life a littledifferently.

The relief, I imagine, willbe enormous. There’s just something so ingrained within me – I just cannot miss a bill.

Call it being “raisedright”, call it paranoia or a sense of responsibility, but I pay everything. Ontime. Always. I am the spreadsheet girl who has everythingbudgeted, knows when everything is due, and makes sure that we can cover it.Somehow. Even if we eat packet noodlesand make poor excuses for missing everything.

Unfortunately, this doesoccasionally bring with it a small drawback when you have nothing. Coming to the (thankfully, hopefully) end of6 months on one income, not having the cash in the bank can give me sleeplessnights. And of course, Dave not stressing about it makes me morestressy. He is just a little morelaidback about these things (well, apart from the not having a job bit). But I try to remember two things, every timeI stress.

1) There is alight at the end of the tunnel.

Forus, sadly, we’re still waiting for a letter to confirm that this light isshining at us. Bureaucracy and the*coughNZgovernmentcough* are still holding up a few bits and pieces, buthopefully in the next week or two, everything will fall into place.

2) In yourtwenties, you are supposed to bepretty poor, as you sort out your life. (Unless you are very skilled, or verylucky).

Obviouslythis is a wide generalisation. But thisdecade is that time in your life where you work out what the hell you’re goingto do with it, and after you finish studying (or if like me, you don’t!), itcould take some time to work out where you go from there, and how you’re goingto pay your bills.

Depending on youreducation, job, living situation, marital situation, etc, it could be a verytough time, or a fairly easy time. Personally, I know many people who have “lucked into” the right job,married the right person, or chose the degree that was useful just at thatright time to boost them somewhat in their career despite the recession, andlive fabulous lives.

I could be jealous of thosefriends. But I choose not to be. I’velived the life I have, they’ve lived the life they have. They’ve had money, I’ve had none. They’ve hadpain, I’ve had pain. They’ve had love, I’ve had love.

I have had amazing, brilliant, beautiful,spellbinding, agonising, irreplaceable love.

And while I hate talkingabout all this (because it is embarrassing to admit when you are poor), andalthough I have mentioned it in passing, I have put off posting about it for along time. But today I need to say it. I’ve been reallyfucking poor. It has been really fucking hard.

But I have also been really fucking happy.

Week Five

2012-02-04T17:50:00.000Z

Last week's shots.

Sunday: 29

Scottish/Southern breakfast of eggs, lorne sausage and grits.

Monday: 30

Flowers for our 4th anniversary.

Tuesday: 31

The sky threatening snow over my office. Didn't snow, though.

Wednesday: 32

Gorgeous sky/clouds while waiting for the bus.

Thursday: 33

Not well enough for work, I stayed inside. Managed to glimpse the sun set from the bedroom.

Friday: 34

The only shot I took yesterday was of my hand in silhouette for the February "photo a day" challenge on instagram.

Saturday: 35

Dreich, cold day. Stayed inside and watched Buffy all day (interspersed with cleaning frenzies).

and...

Shrinking

2012-01-31T23:19:00.000Z

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I have no idea what I weigh right now, but I will tell you this: things fit better. All the magazines say that's what you should focus on, so I'm focussing on that. That and I've been too lazy to get up earlier to weigh in. I might do that tomorrow. But I fit size 10-12 with the occasional 10 and still plenty of 12s. Progress.

My back feels firmer. My collarbone is more visible, though it pretty much always has been. I don't have a six pack but my waistline is getting smaller. That's going to need the most work.

My thighs are alien to me. I honestly sometimes look at my legs, baffled that they're mine, after hating them for such a long time. Short skirts and shorts are in my future.

My arms have always been small but feel taut. My hips still feel.. doughy, but I imagine I'll work on them in time. I might might MIGHT wear a two piece swimsuit again without wanting to die inside.

And I've always been small. I know I'm not some elephant. But a lot of it is in your own head most of the time, and if I'm feeling more confident, that's pretty huge for me.

I feel.. optimistic. Hopeful. A running theme for 2012.

Week Four

2012-01-29T18:02:00.000Z

Cold but crisp sunny days dominated this week.

Sunday: 22

The photo a day challenge called for reflections..

Monday: 23

Heading to the movies.

Tuesday: 24

Heading home through the church yard.

Wednesday: 25

Heading to work on frosty streets.

Thursday: 26

Such a nice sky.

Friday

Getting a bus into town to meet a friend, with a beautiful sunset.

Saturday: 28

and...

Week Three

2012-01-21T20:48:00.000Z

Not a huge update today. I officially got word during the week that I am not being taken further on my application for a great job (internally, at my charity). At first it sucked really bad, and then I realised, you know what? this attitude doesn't fit with my 2012 of positivity. So I missed out! I still have a job when so many don't. And though my job is not a massive challenge, at the moment that's a good thing. I am about to get a (company-wide) rise in pay, I don't work long hours, I have a huge amount of autonomy, and best of all? I just helped our team hire a friend who has been out of work for 6 months.

I'll worry later on about all that for me. Just now I'm focused on hopefully receiving Dave's confirmation for the Police soon, and am writing a fun list of what I can do with all my free time come April, when he is away at Training College.

Here are the photos for the week.

Sunday: 15

A fluke shot from the bus on a stunning Edinburgh day.

Monday: 16

A lovely wintry sunrise.

Tuesday: 17

A much-needed soak.

Wednesday: 18

A new favourite blouse which was a hit at the office.

Thursday: 19

The canal outside the office. Brr. Been a frosty week.

Friday: 20

I took advantage of an opportunity to work out of Stenhouse Mansion for the morning.

Saturday: 21

Sadly, due to a broken frame, my canvas Klimt knock-off is lying in the corner of the living room.

and..

Exhausted Kat.

Milestones

2012-01-15T20:50:00.001Z

In New Zealand time, it's the 16th January. Which means that my beloved grandfather would have been 99 today.

I love and miss you, Dandan.

Hope.

2012-01-14T23:48:00.000Z

Well we're two weeks in, but so far 2012 is pretty awesome.

I kept saying last year that things had to change, and that 2012 had to be good for us, and so far we have had some really excellent developments. I'm being optimistic and hopeful that it continues.

Hope is a marvellous thing. Hope carries you through when you have nothing else, and when you're scared that nothing you dream can possibly come true. From 19th December, we had hope that Dave's new job opportunity was closer and closer, and then when we had the date for his final interview (January 12th), everything worked towards it. Suddenly things were happening.

And it feels different, too. We are not different people, but we have tried to form different habits and break bad ones. We have been better at keeping the house in order, I have been better at being creative and following through, and the life I want to be living is not just a possibility, but what we do day to day. Simple things like planning my work outfits, putting different workout schedules in place, planning my work day better, changing things that don't work. And I'm carrying my moleskines around, using soundcloud to record ideas, and dedicating time to write.

I've got a list of lovely things, simple things that we need to make our home more.. homely. More us. One of our hopeful purchases for April is a new sofa, as our futon is great, and suits us for guests, but not having a comfy couch in the living room means we just don't spend any time in there. Dave sits in his alcove, I sit in or on the bed, and we never live in our living space.

I am clearing out clothes, shoes and things. I don't need to keep everything. I will not wear that again, no matter how much I tell myself I might. I don't need to keep the alarm clock that doesn't work, just because I have a sentimental attachment to it. I hate those damn uncomfortable shoes. The clearing out has been really cathartic. We just have so much crap. We don't need all of this crap. We'll buy new crap, but some room needs to be made. (Our paperwork still really needs to get in order, though. I was so good at filing it! and then I got lazy..)

Investigating car options has been exciting, and if Dave was successful we were thinking of buying a cheap used car on a payment plan. I'd take it to work, Dave'd take it to cricket, and during police training, I'd collect him from Tulliallan on Fridays and drop him back on Sundays. And we could take wee trips.

And then, Ann, Dave's mother, offered us her car when she upgrades in April/May. Holy crap! Things like that just didn't happen in 2011. 2011 sucked things away for us and bankrupted us both. 2012 gives us a car? It has its problems, but nothing major, but it has space for cricket bats and pianos and all the other exciting things we need it for. It'll also come in handy for when my bestie and her adorable husband come to visit us in early May. Seriously looking forward to this! It's been a long time since we've had visitors and quite a while since I've seen Sarah-Rose, obviously, so it's exciting stuff. We're planning small trips and places in town we want to show them.

We had hope and plans for new things and some travel and some breathing space in the bank account for once. We had hope for wiping debt and going out for dinner every now and then and making our lives easier. We had hope that Dave would get into the career he wanted and even though that meant I would stay here longer than I ever planned to, that we would be set up for our future by giving him the experience he needs and us some financial stability. My uncertainty about living in Scotland for such a long time was something I let drop away; I knew then, as I know now, that I love Dave and us enough (and funnily, Scotland enough) to stay.

Because I only have to look over at him as he cracks a smile at the book he is reading, or dances around as he cooks dinner, or come home to a clean house or a cup of tea or a bath run to know that I love him more than I thought I could. I love him more all the time. He surprises me more all the time. And I am so very, very happy. Staying here with him is a no-brainer.

So it's lucky they said yes, right? It's lucky they said they want him, and 2012 said, "Here. Stop freaking out. Stop panicking. You're going to have a new life." Because once that is all confirmed, our lives will change, we will struggle less, and things will just get better and better.

And that new hope is the best hope of all.

Week Two

2012-01-14T22:39:00.000Z

Sunday: 8

Cold, dreich day. Perfect for staying inside.

Monday: 9

Lots of great sunrises and sunsets at the moment, due to the days getting longer again, and the lack of clouds/rain/snow. My morning walk has been a lot prettier.

Tuesday: 10

First bath in what became a 3-bath week! I'm really taking advantage so far this year.

Wednesday: 11

Slightly stressed-out, cold, in need of bubbles.

Thursday: 12

What started as a freezing morning became a really, really good day.

Friday: 13

Stunning morning coming over the canal bridge to work (no filters or effects on this one).

Saturday: 14

Dave's latest delectable offering: the Sausage & Egg McBagel. What he calls "jewing up" breakfast. The sausage is the Scottish flat beef lorne sausage. Mmmm. Great with ketchup!

and..

Allergies pretty much took over Saturday.

2012: Week One

2012-01-08T18:54:00.001Z

My very talented and creative friends, Sarah-Rose and Chris, are involved in Project 365: a photography exercise where you take a photo every day, a self-portrait for each week and post them up at the end of the week.

I did this for months in 2009? 2010? before giving up, as I just didn't have the time, camera or energy to get properly involved in this. One of my hopeful goals for the year is to acquire a DSLR, even entry-level, and take a photography course. I know from my ex-photog father that I have a good eye, so I want to really know how to make the best of a good camera and capture my life.

At the moment, however, I'm relying on Instagram. I can't promise there'll be amazing shots until I have a better camera, but those who do not follow me on Instagram may enjoy the shots I am taking at the moment. Here is Week One.

Sunday: 1

A cheating shot, slightly, as this was taken at 12:01am on 1st January, capturing everyone circling the room for hugs and kisses. Happy New Year!

Monday : 2

Susie's Christmas tree. Every year it's bigger than the last.

Tuesday: 3

I decided to clean and sort our drawers. Oddly fulfilling.

Wednesday: 4

A particularly fascinating recipe in my Scottish Recipe book for sheep's head stew.

Thursday: 5

Sunset shot from the office.

Friday: 6

Making Dave birthday jelly.

Saturday: 7

Dave's birthday was spent mostly in bed, as I had slept badly and he was engrossed in his present from me: a Kindle.

and...

Obsessed with wrap dresses.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

2012-01-06T12:32:00.000Z

One of the biggest "lessons" that I want to try and learn and ingrain in myself this year is how to let go. One of my tattoo ideas (that I hope to get this year) involves these words.

I am terrible at this. I hang on to everything. And I don't just mean everything bad that has happened in the last few years to me, but everything bad I have also said and done can replay in my head at times. For a long time.

I went through several periods (up and down in my bouts of depression) over the last few years where I felt very much that I wasn't good enough. The talent I thought I was sure of had gone, the confidence in myself was gone, and the feeling that no one cared was hard to ignore, despite it being a ridiculous notion.

Now my confidence is back (with a vengeance), I'm finding it's affecting me in another way, which is also negative in a sense. To be confident in oneself and one's talents means that you can come across as arrogant, which is ingrained in me as a very, very bad thing, and is the last thing I want to be perceived as. I hate blowing my own trumpet and telling people I am awesome, and perceive this kind of showboating as a negative quality (I however have no problem with others doing this, just me!) so I keep fairly quiet. But this has cost me jobs, shows, and probably connections. I'm aiming to change this in 2012.

The facts are: I have a talent. I am a good songwriter. I am a good singer. I am an intelligent person with excellent skills. It is not bad to share these talents, explore them and use them to my advantage.

I also need to remember some very important things:

- Some people are just not going to like you. Professionally (my music) or personally (want my friendship).

- Creatives are weird. And I don't just mean those I have encountered here in Edinburgh. Creatives are volatile, quirky and flimsy friends at times.

- Friends who do not make the effort may not be true friends after all. It can't always be me reaching out. I take pride in being an incredibly loyal, selfless and loving friend. If they do not see this or want to be my friend, they don't have to. It's a little bit primary school, but hey. I am trying, I have tried, I will keep trying. I have lived here nearly 3 years now.

- Mistakes you have made in the past are there to be learned from and not dwelled on. There is no good to be gained from beating yourself up over what you have said and done years ago. Be your best self now.

- You're not doing the project, get over it. If they don't recognise your talent or involve you, it's their decision to do that. Move on.

- You can't control everything. How I wish I could. I feel so much better when I can.

and...

- "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Thanks, Eleanor Roosevelt.

2011 in film

2012-01-04T15:40:00.002Z

Dave and I ended up seeing 60 films in 2011. As we are Cineworld Unlimited cardholders (unlimited films for £14.99/month), we quite often see a lot of films we wouldn't otherwise bother with, which is fun. This year we have divided our thoughts into 3 categories: Worst, Best and Good Fun. The Good Fun movies aren't winning awards any time soon, but we walked out of the cinema each time with such a good feeling that we couldn't ignore them in our summation of the year.

WORST FILMS (or films we enjoyed the least):

5. Scream 4:
So the franchise is fun and ridiculous, but seriously, these things are just a joke now. We went purely because I insisted, after obviously being a teenage fan of the early films, and found it predictable and ridiculous.

4. What's Your Number:
As cute as Chris Evans is, he couldn't save this film. And while we had a few good laughs, overall it was a pretty rubbish piece of cinema.

3. Transformers 3:
Fans of Kermode's film review show would have heard his hilarious rant on these films. While showy, loud and explosive (as Michael Bay loves), it only vaguely entertained us, and meant that we spent more time throwing our hands up and shaking our heads than we did laughing or caught in the action.

2. Hangover Pt. 2:
No. Just.. no. It's the same film, in a different city! It was borderline offensive, unimaginative and just really, really stupid.

1. Tree of Life:
Yes, while appearing on a lot of best lists at the moment, this is our worst film of the year. Dave and I went with his mother and her friend, and while I went with a very open mind, wanting to enjoy it, I just couldn't. There is a thin line sometimes between art and wank, and this felt like pretentious, over-the-top wank. And exactly the kind of film that filmmakers, critics and Hollywood glitterati will jump up and down about, excitedly proclaiming it to be the film of the decade. Because it's very pretty wank, with some very good actors in it. It's exactly the type of film that people either unanimously scoff at, or get far far too behind it, because they don't want to look stupid. It's like looking at a piece of art that has 3 coloured stripes on it, and because all of the "important people" around you say how wonderful and deep and meaningful it is, you immediately dump praise on it.
While beautiful to look at, I could not connect with it. Too much pretension, not enough heart. No characters I cared about. No real development to make me feel any sort of angst for any of them. Just stars and nice lighting and cinematography and dinosaurs and.. too much wank.

Also-rans: Battle: Los Angeles, which wasn't awful enough for "Worst" or enjoyable enough for "Good Fun". Everything else we saw that isn't in this list is in another category, titled "Meh".

============================

GOOD FUN (not ground-breaking, but enjoyable):

5. Fright Night 3D:

I think part of the appeal of the films in this category are that we didn't go in expecting much. Fright Night was no exception. It was surprisingly funny, clever, and just damn enjoyable. Colin Farrell was ridiculously entertaining at times, and David Tennant damn near stole the film.

4. Trollhunter:

Marvellous piece of "found footage". Full of recognisable folklore, amusing anecdotes and characters and the actual effects were very well done. Also, hilariously, a great tourism piece for Norway, as in some of the scenes I just couldn't help but turn to Dave and say, "I want to go to there."

3. Footloose:

Oh dear. I was dragged to this, as D thought it'd be fun, and I really wanted to hate it. But the country remake of this 80s classic just well, worked. And although I hated the new "dancing in the barn" scene, I found the rest of it to be really, really, good fun. Sorry, Kevin Bacon. I still love you.

2. Sucker Punch:

Wow, is this film hated. People have their pitchforks out for this, proclaiming it to be chauvinistic, porn with swords, boring or just plain dumb. Well okay. It's not the most feminist piece, but I was not offended by it, and actually was kinda surprised afterwards when people said they were. It was a piece of fantastical fiction, which was really really fun to watch. Not exactly the best film ever, but we were definitely not bored.

1. 50/50:

I'm not a huge Seth Rogen fan. I find his voice irritating, and that he plays the same role in every film he does. But Joseph Gordon Levitt, I am a fan of, and he and Anna Kendrick sold this film to me. Anjelica Huston also shines as the very-believable mother of a cancer patient.

We didn't consider it to be one of the best of the year, but enjoyed it so much that we had to make it our favourite "Good Fun" film for 2011.

Also-rans: Stakeland, Inbetweeners, 30 Minutes or Less, Red State, Tintin, Harold and Kumar, Drive Angry 3D.

============================

BEST FILMS (enjoyable, well-made, "wow-inducing":

5. Senna:

Disappointingly missed out of Oscar nominations, this documentary was spell-bounding. I had, shamefully, never heard of Ayrton Senna, so agreed to go as D was so keen on the film. Of course, not having heard of him, I was also unaware of his untimely death, which put an extra spin on this documentary for me: the shock at his accident, for me, was real. Beautifully-edited, fascinating and just plain captivating. Not a F1 fan, but I really enjoyed it.

4. The King's Speech:

Released in the UK early in the year, so a must for this year's list. We all know the reasons it deserves to be here: excellent acting, great story. Understandably applauded by most.

3. We Need to Talk about Kevin:

Now, if this were my list, and not for both of us, this film would top it. Having enjoyed the book (well as much as one can "enjoy" it) years before, I was excited to see a film adaptation, and this did not disappoint. The casting is stunning: Tilda acts her ass off, from a twitch in her eyelid to her tippy toes. Ezra is terrifying as Kevin, and John C. Reilly is excellent as the oblivious father. Without showing too much detail, the film builds up to the horrifying act that only Eva saw coming. It's every mother's nightmare, and Lynne Ramsay has done a really beautiful job here.

2. Drive:

Though a bit violent for me, this film was well worth it. Ryan Gosling is bad-ass, the story is gripping, and the soundtrack is amazing. We both walked out of the cinema saying "Wow", and saying it was in our favourites for the year. The characters are believable, the script is sound and it's just very, very impressive.

1. Black Swan

I think if Dave wrote a list Drive might have topped his, Kevin would have topped mine, but we both agreed that Black Swan is truly incredible and probably the best one to agree on at #1. Again, a film late to the party here in the UK, but this twisted psychological thriller had our teeth on edge and us talking afterwards. The cast are excellent (Natalie truly deserving of her oscar), the story is gripping and the swan allegory was very well-done. I think my knowledge of the ballet itself was helpful, as I loved all of the links between the film and Swan Lake.

Now, if we were to have had a top 10, films 6-10 would have been:

6. The Guard

7. 127 Hours

8. Midnight in Paris

9. Never Let Me Go

10. Super 8

Also-rans: 13 Assassins (amazing), Beginners, Tinker Tailor..., Crazy Stupid Love (best comedy of the year?).

I hope you enjoyed this, and aren't too angry with our choices. It's all opinion, of course. I hope you had a good year at the cinema and I can't wait for 2012 to unleash all the great films I've been waiting for including The Iron Lady which is finally out.. but most of all, we're finally getting The Muppets in February! About time. I can't stop giggling at that damn Orange ad.

Plans

2012-01-02T01:30:00.001Z

Not doing the resolutions thing, because well, they always fail. Last year's "my amazing life" post was fun and I've managed to stick to most of it. To put it in writing for the year:

The Awesomeness that is 2012 means:

- Getting up earlier, having breakfast/coffee, getting to work earlier. Yes, this means going to bed earlier! I'm not 21 anymore!
- Planning my wardrobe better and taking more care with my hair.
- Using my new beautiful jewellery box to keep everything together..
- ...and buying some jewellery!
- Making more effort to get out and into Edinburgh.
- Making more effort to use Soundcloud to record drafts and clips for the music site.
- Positivity. Not letting old regrets linger. Letting go.
- More me time to read, reflect and study Torah.
- Working out more and being more conscious of what I eat and drink.
- Writing and updating this blog more! If depression stops me writing, then well, I need to write about my depression.
- Continuing to be supportive and loving of my man, family and friends. People are so important.

I hope you had an awesome start to 2012, everyone. I'll post our top film lists for 2011 tomorrow when Dave is home from football.

Too many posts already!

xx
K

NYE photos

2012-01-02T00:49:00.001Z

Some photos of New Years' Eve - with some of our favourite people.

2012

2012-01-02T00:34:00.000Z

Well it's here! the end of the world is nigh, bitches. Well not really. I think maybe the Mayans couldn't fit much past 23rd December, 2012, on their charts, and thought, "That's really really far away. Go with that."

I do like the X Files tie-in to the date, however, so we shall see. We may be invaded yet.

Like it was for many others, 2011 was not a great year for me/us. Financially, emotionally, etc, it was hard. We both lost our jobs last year, and while I found another, I haven't really found it fulfilling or challenging in the slightest. There is no way I was/am going to genuinely complain, as it's a freaking job, and so many are without one. But. Hey.

I have applied for an exciting role that I would actually enjoy going into the office for, so fingers crossed. Dave is of course in the Police recruitment process, and we hear about that on the 12th. Which I'm kinda shitting myself about. It should be a positive day, and he will be an excellent cop, but if he doesn't get it, then.. well, shit. I don't know what we'll do from there. But at least he can explore permanent job options.

And I'd love to say that our lives are dependant on other factors, but well, our lives are kinda in limbo on this one thing. So if he gets in, and/or I get my role (his would be enough), everything changes. Everything. And while it's mainly to do with money (we can afford to travel and live a little easier, and we can go home every now and then), more importantly, the biggest change would be that we stay here. Which is scary and exciting all at once. I've never been 100% sold on living in Edinburgh long-term, but for this? and for him? in a heartbeat. And if it means we have a better life and a better future, then I am willing to do it. He's my family now.

It's scary thinking that by then I will have spent more than half of my twenties living in Scotland.

So here's hoping. Plan B may be right around the corner. But if things come through for us, then well. 2012 might just be a good year.

Dressember

2011-12-06T20:24:00.001Z

Inspired (as I often am) by Sarah-Rose, I am participating in Dressember. This means I am trying to wear a dress (or skirt, if necessary) every day of December. Which is proving hard in these wintry temperatures, but obviously layering is key. As long as I don't tumble too often on the ice, it should be fun..

Also..

2011-11-17T17:05:00.001Z

..new header. Hate? like? get the RSS so don't care?

xx
K

Gee thanks, body.

2011-11-17T16:18:00.001Z

They say when you lose weight, the first people that notice are strangers and acquaintances. They don't see you so often, so when they do, the difference is obvious. Even a few pounds may warrant a "Oh hey. You look good. Have you've lost some weight?"

The next people that notice are the close ones. The family and friends who squint and cock their head sideways and notice that something has changed. They point out funny things like your collarbone or how taut your back feels when you hug them. "You're looking thin.. in the face. Or something."

The last person who will generally notice? you. You look in the mirror so damn often hoping that some pounds have magically fallen off somewhere, that when they finally do it takes you a while to realise that suddenly your trousers fit differently. And that you lose it in bizarre places.

Take me, for the purposes of this argument. I am a small person. I am 5'2 and what the Scots call 'ickle'. My highest weight and my lowest are 28lb apart (12.7kg). I generally look sick around the lowest, but look chubby and 'odd' around the highest. I suit somewhere in the middle and generally look fairly healthy without being uncomfortable in my clothes or looking gaunt. When you're this low to the ground, a few pounds can make a visible difference.

But my issues have never really related to the scale. Right now I'm hovering around 3-4lb below my highest weight. But obviously, now a lot of that is muscle, so I look a lot smaller and leaner than I did last time I remember being 10lb lighter. It's weird. I'm still trying to get lower on the scale, but mainly to fit my clothes better and to just be leaner. It's weird how I feel pretty good at the moment and I'm so close to tipping the scale at an unhappy place.

And come on. I have always had the tiniest of wrists, bony elbows, bony ankles and bony knees. And where am I really noticing this loss? in these bony, bony places. I feel like I must have been starving myself when I touch my knobbly knees, and most people could probably close their thumb and pinky around my wrists. Body. I want to lose weight from this whole, y'know, torso region.

Dave insists that the rest will catch up and yeah, I believe him. But it's just weird how this whole thing works. I feel I have a pretty good tap on my body and what works and what doesn't, but the weight vs. size issue has always been a strange phenomenon.

ANTM All Stars: Episode 8

2011-11-04T19:54:00.002Z

Words cannot express how hard my eyes are rolling right now. They are rolling out of my freaking head.

Oh my word. This music challenge. Oh my word. I can't even write a proper post. I just needed to express that.

More thoughts to come..

Slipping

2011-10-24T14:40:00.002+01:00

The beauty of being human is that you slip up, you fail, and you learn. One of the things I've trying to learn to do this year to be to okay with my failures and try to drop some of my regrets.

It's poetic and nice to say "no regrets" when you're living life, but I find it hard to follow through on. I can play some things in my head over and over and feel just terrible about the way I handled a situation, what I said to someone, or how I hurt someone either directly or indirectly. I think this kind of worrying and dwelling is bad for one's health, so I'm trying to let some things go.

And then there are the small things, like breaking your diet by eating cheesecake at 10pm on a Sunday night because your country won the Rugby World Cup.

I live and learn..

Rawrrr.

2011-10-17T15:52:00.002+01:00

A while back a good friend of mine (my bestest) Sarah-Rose wrote about her experiences with eating "paleo", which she rather amusingly calls the "dinosaur diet". You can read about her early thoughts here.

She had a fairly positive experience eating paleo, and at the end of it had also shrunk a little. As I am forever unhappy about my figure and trying to slim down, I figured Dave and I, for the month of October, could go on a little diet change of our own.

Rather than go full dinosaur, we decided we would do something that had proven to be very successful for me in the past and go low carb. Before I moved to Scotland, I spent a few months doing pilates and cut my carbs considerably, and after sticking to these and a few other good habits, dropped a stone before my move (1 stone = 14lb = 6.5kg).

I'm not really looking to lose a lot of weight, to be honest. Over the last few months of gym-going, I've toned my legs and arms quite a bit and can run a lot longer/further. I just think a healthier, less-stodgy-foods lifestyle is better for me overall.

And while we cheated a little in the first 10 days or so of October, lately I've been sticking to it really well:

* Water water water!
* Gym. I give myself 4 set times to go, and if I fail once a week? no big deal.
* Alternate exercise. On a Sunday I'll walk with Dave if the weather is good enough, swim, or do some yoga or pilates in the house.
* No pasta, rice, potatoes, noodles, bread!
* Fruit only or low fat yoghurt for snacks.
* Or oat cakes with marmite. But rarely.
* Eating earlier in the evening and smaller portions.
* Soups! Nom. Lucky the weather lately has been horrendous.

I've also formed/joined a wee "lunch club" at work. 3 of us meet every day for lunch and just eat big hearty salads. We take turns buying salad greens, peppers, cucumber, avocado, dressings, croutons and a little cheese.

So as of October 17th? I am feeling amazeballs. I just have so much more energy, and for me that's incredible. I live in a post-meningitis haze of exhaustion 90% of the time. So to have energy in the afternoons at work, and even better, in the evenings, is making a major difference to me. I can't wait to see how I feel at the end of the month. If I'm still feeling good (and I feel more in shape), I'm probably going to just keep going with it.

And then, maybe? we might go paleo. The idea of not having beans/quinoa/lentils/chickpeas scares me a little, though. And no dairy? eeek. I love my Onken yoghurt (I eat a tub a week) and the very occasional icecream.

One other secret to my success (well, in the past!) is allowing myself a cheat day. On Saturdays I can have a little bread, a little potato, some icecream at the movies. I find that if I tell myself whenever I have a craving "You can just have it Saturday!" I end up waiting... and then not actually having it. It's very rare that my Saturday calorie count is that much higher than the rest of the week.

I think without it, I'd buckle to chocolate and ruin the whole diet by eating like a slob for days. This keeps me under check, even if it's just a psychological crutch.

So yeah.. watch this space. If it makes a huge difference, I'll definitely tell you. I just know we needed a change from our bad habits.

Switched off

2011-10-13T21:44:00.000+01:00

I have a 3 episode rule when it comes to new TV shows. It has 3 episodes to impress me (as to be honest, some pilots are pants), and if I still like it, I'll stick with it. Sadly, some shows haven't made the cut.

Couldn't stick with it:

Gossip Girl: To quote the internet - WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. I gave it 2.5 episodes then changed to something decent. I just couldn't cope with the ridiculousness.

True Blood: I also tried. And this is one I might go back to, I think, but I was just.. bored by it. Go Anna, though.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Why oh why! I just didn't find it funny. In fact, I found it kinda vapid and offensive. And I was kinda annoyed that people I like recommended this to me.

Supernatural - Yeah, I may love The X Files, but this just doesn't give me the same joy. Maybe because there's no sexual tension between two brothers. Or well, anyone on this show. And no redheads.

Barely tolerate:

An Idiot Abroad - I know this is apparently for real, but yeesh. Occasionally amusing, I usually skip past the beginning or well, any moments with Ricky Gervais, as the minute that man laughs I want to stick knitting needles in my ears.

Whitney - Previously mentioned I know, but don't worry, this'll get its own post.

New Zealand's next top Model - So apathetic I haven't capitalised it correctly. The accents make me cry a little.

Sick of the spazzes:

Doctor Who? - Okay. What actually put me off was the fact that I loved the sort of boyish, silly Doctor from when I was wee (and my mother watched it) and Eccleston just didn't fit. Then the lovely David Tennant came in, but the show had Catherine Tate, who seems to be oddly popular, but I just can't stand her. And after that? I just didn't feel I could be bothered.

Vampire Diaries - Too many vampires, people. Too many vampire-lore... things. Get over it, Twihards.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Kill me, kill me now.

The Real Housewives of.. well, anywhere - Fuck. Right. Off.

2 and a Half Men - Never got the hype. Do not understand it. It is the least funny show on television with terrible, terrible acting (apart from Melanie Lynskey - reprazent!) and ridiculous overdone comedy. Charlie Sheen is the most forced actor/comedian I've ever seen and I have no idea why people bought his shit for so long.

Completely opposite post to come another day soon on shows that should not have been cancelled, as well as those that have jumped the shark...

On legalizing marijuana

2011-10-11T10:39:00.003+01:00

I only really have one thing to say on this. I'm all for personal choice. I'm never going to be a pot-smoker. I've never seen the interest in it, nor have I really enjoyed it when I have tried it.

I agree that the police time and energy spent on it should be spent on other things, and minor possession and personal consumption are not worth the hassle.

But when people say to "go ahead and legalize it, it's not hurting anyone but the smoker"? That isn't true. It may not be every time, or every case, but drugs break up families and mess up lives. Go ahead and smoke it, go ahead and do that to yourself, but if you are one of the small percentage of people that end up moving into harder drugs or having serious mental health issues, then don't ask the state to pay for it. I don't want to pay for your rehab, or for your psychological health. I don't want to fix you if it breaks you.

Choose wisely.

2 Broke Girls

2011-10-08T13:00:00.001+01:00

One of the great new shows to join the US “fall schedule” is 2 Broke Girls, a sitcom starring the crass and witty Kat Dennings and a new face (well to me) Beth Behrs. Written by Whitney Cummings, who was on Punk’d and is a Chelsea-Handler-esque comedian (who I kinda want to slap in the face, like Chelsea herself) and the very funny Michael Patrick King (Murphy Brown, Will & Grace, and of course Sex and the City), it has quite sassy, smart dialogue. Whitney has her own show, which believe me, I’ll get to, as it’s unbelievably bad (but I still watch it), but her best work is in the writing, which I feel comes through best as the very dry, very blunt Max.

Episode 1 of course set the scene, with Max working in a diner where cupcakes she bakes are also sold and Caroline, a Manhattan socialite who has fallen from grace after Daddy fiddled with the books. The juxtaposition of the two personalities works well, especially when Caroline doesn’t really know how to do, well, anything for herself, and gives a real Odd Couple feel. Caroline is sure that Max’s cupcakes could become big business, and projects the start-up costs to be $250,000.

Which brings me to one of the things I really like about the series so far: each episode ends with the figure that the girls have raised so far towards their business. Obviously in 2 episodes they haven’t pulled much together, but you want them to succeed. Everyone has been affected by the credit crunch, and the idea of pulling together money to fulfil your dreams is quintessentially American, and well, human.

I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes, but you should definitely check it out.

ANTM All Stars: Episode 4

2011-10-07T22:22:00.002+01:00

As one of the few reality shows I watch (okay, five), I was so excited to see the show is back, as it has been one of my firm favourites since its beginning. But I hadn’t been following any press beforehand, so had no idea it was going to be an “All Stars”. Old familiar faces are back, such as Lisa (“I peed in the diaper”), Isis (post sex-change), Bianca and oh dear lord, my two least favourites ever: Angelea and Alexandria.

So! For this season I would like the results to be:

Winner: Kayla

Runner Up: Laura

But in reality going by decent models, it could also go to Alison (with her beautiful doe eyes), which I'd be happy with.

EPISODE 4 (will contain spoilers):

In episode 4 the models left are: Two-faced Alexandria, Angelic Shannon, Doe-eyed Allison, Crazy ghetto Angelea, Fiesty Bianca, Bat-shit crazy Lisa, Soft Bre, Sweet Southern Laura, "Signature walk" Camille, Androgenous Dominique and well, Kayla. The only defining nickname I can give her is "lesbian" (which they talk about far too much) and well, I like her better than that. Bad-ass Kayla. Let's go with that.

Unfortunately this round seems more like a "reality show" with personalities about starting careers and creating drama, rather than finding/launching a good new model. I feel there are very few decent actual models on it.

What did you think of the Kayla medication thing? Honestly I'm leaning towards just taking the wrong thing and panicking. Cardiac arrhythmia? really? It's so cute that Laura went to the hospital with her. Bianca taking over and looking after her was super-sweet at the beginning, though.

CSI audition! I know the ratings are probably in the toilet these days, so it amused me that CSI was involved in ANTM at all. (Star quote - Kayla: "Man, half the words are longer than my face.") The challenge was pretty hilarious to watch, with them all forgetting the "big words". Like seriously. I know models are supposed to be dumb by stereotype, but dude. They weren't the hardest words. And holy shit, Angelea, who I consider dumber than a box of bricks, handled it just great. Damnit. The last thing I want is for her to win. But go, Bre! She nailed it too and rightfully won the part.

And then there was Lisa. She just swears whenever she messes up. It's brilliant. The sooner that chick is gone, the better. Crrrrrrrazy.

The Express shoot: Bianca ruined all of the admiration I had for her earlier by doing the whole "I'm the model" thing. Honey, just do what you're told. Don't get too big for your boots just yet.

Also, Camille talking about her age and how she won't have as many chances was a ridiculous build-up to her going home. To me from the beginning there was a little bit of a focus on her and it made me stop and think it was going to be her. Her photo was pretty bad, but I think Alexandria's was just as bad. Bye, Camille. Your skin is glorious. Your walk, is not.

Another good ep.. I've also switched on to New Zealand's Next Top Model again and oh dear lord, the accents. I love my homeland and miss it a lot, but yeesh. Give me a bad weegie accent any day over that kind of New Zullund voice.

The box.

2011-10-07T09:41:00.002+01:00

Man do I know a lot of film nuts. I spent my teenage years with a core group of guy friends who were nearly all filmmakers, or involved in the process in some way. In particular Chris, Rajeev and Andy made short film after short film, and they just got better and better. Eventually they formed ICW Productions (An Indian, a Chinaman and a White Guy Walk into a Bar Productions) and some of their work can be found here.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve been going a LOT lately.
I’ve always enjoyed going to the movies. I spent many nights with that same good group of friends going to the cinema on a regular basis, though sometimes I’d pull out when finances were tight. Now I live in Edinburgh and have £14.99/month unlimited film-going, Dave and I are there at least once, sometimes three times a week – there’s no way If I lived at home now I’d be going to so many films (which makes me sad – NZ, bring in a similar system!). It means we get to see the good (Drive), the bad (What’s Your Number) and the odd (The Tree of Life) releases, and we definitely go to films we wouldn’t otherwise choose, simply because we’re “not paying for it”. With film prices being £7-8/ticket, we really only have to go twice a month to get our money’s worth, and we’re definitely out-doing that. My film-making friends would love it, and would undoubtedly be seeing and reviewing everything that comes out.

For me, however, my true love? is TV. It gets looked down at by film geeks, but I just love it. Give me a TV show with great characters, a good narrative, an interesting premise... I’m there. (Especially if it’s Whedon). There’s just something about following a character week to week, falling in love with them and their writing, and continuing to obsess for seasons on end. Knowing there is more coming next week.

To be honest, though, I can’t remember the last time I watched shows on actual television. Obviously if I’m sick in bed or lazing on a Sunday I can put the TV on, but I’m much more likely to grab my laptop and download or streaming TV. Don’t get me wrong, if the show’s good, I’ll buy the DVDs, but the idea of being able to watch TV at my own pace, when I can fit it in (usually before bed), or share it with Dave, is great. And I have also almost always lived in countries where shows are released on delay, sometimes by days, sometimes by months. Sometimes shows just never make it to TV. And without buying a TiVo, I can’t imagine how I would keep up with them anyway.

TV got me through a lot of tough times in my life. Break-ups, serious illnesses, deaths. Depression and anxiety are always at the corner of the room, staring me down. But I dive right in to my favourites, and I can escape, cheer myself up, focus on something positive or creative, rather than what’s going on in my head.

I use a site that many may be familiar with, called Sidereel. It tracks all of my favourite shows for me so I know where I’m at and tells me when the next episode is on/released in the US. It also has links to streaming sites which are reliable most of the time. I can do without their “web series” and the presenting/info videos they do, but I do enjoy the interface and tracking system which is pretty awesome. At the moment I’m tracking... 50 shows. Some of them have concluded or been cancelled a long time ago and I’m just re-watching or catching up (Friends, Veronica Mars, Seinfeld), and others are brand new.

I will always love television. The box. The teevee. And I think I’ll start blogging about it, when I can. There are some excellent new shows that I’m enjoying, as well as the old and familiar that I love, and I think it’s worth sharing my thoughts when I have time. No promises. Though I am about to have a lot more time on my hands.

Until next time, folks: same time, same channel...

No.

2011-10-06T10:35:00.001+01:00

So casting came and went, and I was very kindly told I was unsuccessful for the show. I received some good feedback that it was a difficult decision for them, which I appreciated, but it was still a huge disappointment. I gave myself some time to get over that feeling, and to decide whether to do the show or not (I really wanted a role and am not keen on the ensemble sections of Sweeney) and I think my feelings might get in the way of my dedication, if that makes sense. The shows with this company take 6 months of hard work rehearsing twice a week, which you throw your heart and soul into... and I just wouldn’t be into it.

For me it feels like the 3rd time I’ve missed out on roles I’ve dreamed of playing... and ironically, it’s been the same girl. I love her to death, she’s gorgeous and very talented, but I’m just... tired. I spend so much time worrying about others and worrying about being humble and being a good person that I think I’d like to spend some time trying to promote myself and push myself. I think I’d rather spend those 6 months focussing a large chunk of my energy on my own music, which I do not do enough of at all.

RENT broke me a little bit. I’d spent over half of my life singing those songs, dreaming of playing those parts, and the idea of doing it just blew my mind. I stuck with it and the ensemble for the first time, and was kindly given some extra bits and pieces to do, after others had pulled out. But Sweeney has no extra bits and pieces, no time to shine, and as awful as it sounds, I think I’d feel just rubbish knowing that I could be doing more. I finally feel I have a bit of my confidence back and I know I have the talent. I’m sorry I ever doubted it before.

So watch this space. There’ll be gigs, new songs, new recordings and hey, maybe I’ll find another show to be in.

I have a lot of writing to do.

Shechinah: Turning

2011-09-21T23:20:00.000+01:00

Shechinah: Turning: Not every day do we encounter God, not every time is opportune for prayer, not every hour one of grace. We fail and fail again 'til...

Tra la la la la la!

2011-09-11T15:52:00.001+01:00

So last night, on a diet-coke-fuelled bender, I spent about 4 hours lying awake thinking about how thoroughly awesome it would be to actually be cast in a lead role for next year's Sweeney Todd and then going around and around and around and fighting myself over not "getting excited" or "hoping too much", as the initial disappointment I felt with RENT was well, a bit much.

I also have this stupid way of being crazy superstitious when it comes to auditions, with my mother and I always not talking about it afterwards in case we "jinx it" (even though I relive it and analyse every second of it internally, over and over and over), and adding that to my mantra from my father that I have always chanted:

"If I get it, I get it, I don't, I don't."

Which seems thoroughly sensible, but at the same time, slightly infuriating. I know I am talented enough to play a few of these roles, but I am nervous about the competition as well as amateur-theatre-company-political-bollocks.

Bollocks aside, I am truly hopeful that on Saturday we will get a cast list with my name on it, and I won't want to scream and cry and throw things at having missed out on the opportunity. My stomach does flippy-flops and I stop breathing when I imagine being able to do it, and not be "girl 3rd from the right, 2nd row from the front" again.

So everyone pray, hope, think good thoughts, send up happy balloons, push prayer notes into the Western Wall, cross their fingers and toes and just well, be prepared to console and pick me up when the inevitable happens next Saturday.

That is all. Spit spot.

Catching up

2011-08-21T19:39:00.002+01:00

I'm lying in bed here on a Sunday at 7:30 at night, mainly because I only got up earlier to have "brunch" with D (at 4:30) and then got back in here. Between episodes of Friends, I'm trying to catch up on the internet.

Dave is in the living room watching ~~football~~ some sort of sport, while his "stew for the week" simmers away (and smells lovely), and is hammering away at his new cricket bat. Yes. It needs to be bashed on by another bat with a cricket ball stuck to it to get it to be... more good. Or something. I don't know. All I know is that every now and then he hammers in a little rhythm of some kind and I giggle and so he does it again.

We're living that sort of in-between life again, where one of us is (almost) out of work and I'm planning our finances down to the pennies and wondering if any of the plans I had for my own money are going to pan out. At work at the moment I'm just keeping my head down and getting on with it, as though I don't love it, I'm just sticking with it as best I can until I can improve it in some way. The last thing we need is for my own employment stability to crumble.

We spent a good chunk of the wee hours of this morning at a comedy/music/sketch gig here in the Festival called Spank! which was at the Udderbelly (venue shaped like a giant upside-down cow) and I didn't get in til 5am, which is nothing short of miraculous for me, post-meningitis. (I napped). The gig was pretty great, to be honest, and we're hoping to see a few of the acts again.

I sometimes feel like a bit of an Edinburgh failure, as I don't go to a lot of things in the over-populated festival, and I hate crowds and get panic attacks, and I don't apply to do a lot of the open mic/showcase gigs they have in it, as it means I end up performing 2 songs at 4am on a Tuesday. Which I just can't cope with. But I enjoy some aspects of the festival, and I like getting together with our friends, who we don't see that much, and it's sometimes annoying how August always seems to be the month I am most skint. I'll need to save next year.

Otherwise, life is ticking along. We are hopeful for a new opportunity for Dave and a more stable lifestyle for us to come. And if not, we'll weather that, as always.

What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

2011-08-10T22:20:00.003+01:00

Alternatively titled: "Blog posts that never happened".

I'm glad I had 2 summers this year. It's just a pity they were not in Edinburgh. 1 in New Zealand, 1 in Spain. Ahhhh, Spain. Spain is wonderful. Barcelona was always on my list, but I totally loved it 200x more than I was expecting. And Spanish! I picked up enough that was actually useful, and think I'll keep listening to my podcast.

The Fringe show has been going really well. We had our 3rd night tonight (5th and 6th show) and the audiences were the best yet. Very enthusiastic. Tomorrow night D comes again, with most of our friends.

I had a bit of a debt milestone today. It made me very excited and hopeful for the first time in ages.

However, Dave finishes up in a few weeks. So we'll be skint again.

New iPhone in... 50 days!

I can't wait for my hair to be long again. I bought a really good Babyliss curling wand for curls for the show and think it'll be awesome to create waves in long hair. I also successfully dyed my own blonde regrowth, by putting a John Frieda medium blonde in it. Go me. Saved myself about£60.

Starting to wonder when I'm going to see my family again..

Need to get some more gigs.

TV shows that are freaking awesome: Game of Thrones and Parks and Rec (from season 2 onwards. Though you may need to watch season 1 to "get" it, it's a bit too The Office-y).

Realllllly want to quit and have babies. Bored of working life.

I like money, though.

Wish I knew what the next few years hold, but the fun will be in the events that unravel.

Shoeeeesssss

2011-05-24T22:25:00.002+01:00

So a few weeks ago I fell in love with these...

And they are super comfy as well as adorable. So I bought these:

Eeee. Happy feet.

Notes from the duvet

2011-05-22T18:17:00.002+01:00

I'm sitting in bed trying not to laugh or breathe too hard as it sends me into a coughing fit. It has been a crazy week or so, with weddings both Saturday 14th and 21st May, and I have been more and more unwell since the first one. I think it's a chest infection, but whatever it is, it's annoying, and I want to get it gone soon.

Last night was the wedding of Neil and Sarah, the first of our wee Edinburgh "group" to tie the knot. I was disappointed to leave at 9pm to come home to bed, but was hot and shivery and just generally not very good company. I've never been shy in regards to my health situation, so most people know that my immune system is shit, and may never recover, but it does have the tendency to piss me off occasionally by making me miss nice occasions.

Other than this, things are fine. Work is going well, the weather has been unseasonably warm (but now insanely windy all the time) and I'm back into dressmaking and a new show. The Fringe show is a revue of jukebox musical songs (Mamma Mia, We Will Rock You, etc) and I get a solo in this one. So fingers crossed all goes well.

It's only taken 2 years, but I feel like I have a real life here and I'm not so much pretending anymore. I think having a home I really like helps a lot, and I have joined a gym and started a full workout plan, which apart from the spanner in the works that is my health, has been great so far. Here's to improving my fitness and figure over the summer.

I'll have some photos to share soon, mainly of Dan/Renee's visit here around my birthday, and I'll try and catch up a little with my photos of the day, which I'm still taking when I can.

Now to use this time in bed to catch up on Google Reader, as I'm a month behind on gossip..

Spring awakening

2011-04-08T12:23:00.001+01:00

Wow, what a whirlwind 2011 has been so far. This is going to be a long, mixed, rambling post today.

I can hardly believe that we’re in April already – mid April, no less, and I feel like there have been so many things I have wanted to do in this first quarter that I haven’t accomplished. The short story is, I have been insanely busy, and this part of my life is about to draw to a quiet end for a while.

Financially, we’re taking a few steps back with my pay being 11 weeks in coming (oh the joy of changing jobs), and I’ve decided not to renew my dance card for this term, but I’ll be returning to Ballet (and maybe even something else as well?) in the Autumn.

I am however hoping to carry on with dressmaking from next week, as although the council classes have halted for now until September, my lovely teacher has decided to rent a room and run small classes herself for the next wee while. My lovely brother/sister-in-law have kindly decided to buy me a sewing machine for my upcoming birthday, so this means I’ll have my own to take along to classes, and maybe sew at home. My latest project, I think, will be slip covers for the two “occasional chairs” that Ann gave us for our new home, which have been run a bit ragged. I’ll try and do something loose for now, and maybe make something more tapered/fitted later on.

RENT has been spectacular, and despite the stresses with travelling to and from rehearsals twice a week (and early on a Saturday – ugh), I’m still so thrilled that I have been a part of it. RENT has been one of my favourite shows for more than half of my life now, and I still get a shiver up my spine when we sing the finale. I have been honoured to sing the funeral solo (“I’ll Cover You [Reprise]”) and it has been really fun being the overbearing mother in Mrs Cohen.

One of my biggest flaws is struggling with taking a step back in a skill/learning process, and this has been a real learning experience for me, too. It’s my first show being part of the ensemble only (with occasional solo parts), and it has taken a bit more adjustment than I expected. While I have been in amateur productions, I’ve never been less than a lead/a substantial role in the story. I struggled for a while, beating myself up for some sort of arrogance or feeling the lack of status/level that I have been on, but I’ve let it go a little, as I genuinely don’t feel that I’m better than anyone, just that this is something I’ve never done before.

I think starting in the spotlight at age 10 in theatre, moving to commercials, television and short film, concerts, benefits... and being paid for it (and pampered as hell on TV sets – it’s quite ludicrous), you get told how wonderful you are, and how talented you are, and you start to believe it for a long time. You start to feel invincible, powerful and like people should pay attention. When I stopped for a few years and concentrated on “real jobs”, and then moved to Edinburgh, I suffered a massive crisis of confidence, where I felt like I was rubbish, untalented, not going anywhere, and that it was my fault for slipping away from the business. If only I’d kept studying opera... if only I’d gone to drama school... if only, if only, if only.

Starting up my gigs in Edinburgh on the acoustic scene, and having a good response, has started to build that up again, and my depression was lifting, and then RENT came along. I have wanted to be in RENT since I first heard it at 13. I was lucky enough to see it on Broadway at 19, and again at 22. It is so incredibly important to me, and a show I would do anything to be in, that it was initially a blow to my ego not to be cast in a lead, and to be without even a solo in the mix (originally listed simply as “vendors”). This eased when I was offered Mrs. Cohen, and then the funeral solo, but it was a weird feeling. It came at a time when I was trying to build up my strength and confidence again, and get rid of the fear of failure that had dominated me for so long.

I hope I have proved myself to the team and I know I have worked hard. I know I am getting older and I have been out of the loop for a while. So I give myself a big kick in the ass every night, any time that I wish I was out there singing Joanne or Maureen or Mimi. The cast is spectacular; an amazing group of people who all fit their roles so well, and while I am jealous of Sarah, who sings Joanne (the best role for me, really), I love her voice and her talent and she shines every night. She will go far. I’m really proud of this production and while it will be strange to walk away from it tomorrow night, I look forward to the next.

So from next week, I’m available every night except Tuesdays. Amazeballs. Fees + bus money = big saving for a few months! We'll be getting a car at the end of the month, which is exciting too.

My plan at this stage is to start running/recording all of my new material, and a series of covers. I’ve planned out my Wednesday evenings/Saturday afternoons for this purpose, and can’t wait to share these new songs with the world. Ideally, I’ll be looking to release a new 4-track EP in the first weeks of June, once I have priced out the printing of the covers, etc. I’ll initially be recording at home, but once the cashflow is a bit easier, I’ll be looking at independent studios, as well.

My covers project will include a song from all of my favourite artists, and those who have influenced and inspired me the most. At the moment, I have tunes planned by Barenaked Ladies, Joni Mitchell, Our Lady Peace, Sarah Slean, Sarah McLachlan, Fleetwood Mac, Kate Bush, Bette Midler and Rilo Kiley. (More than half of my favourite acts are Canadian. Woah).

I’m also going to spend at least a couple of Sundays organising all of my photos, songs, videos, documents, everything. I have had all the data from 3 broken computers thrown onto 2 external hard drives, and they are a mess. The OCD part of me is rather excited about this particular task! Yeesh, I’m a freak.

And the final things that I really can’t wait to do? Read more books, go to more services at shul, write more stories and posts, play more music just for fun, sleep... and also, catch up on my Google Reader, which I think is now about 6 weeks behind.

We’re still messy as hell, despite our plan not to do this in the new flat, but I’ve put in a system where we do specific tasks each day (split up between us) so we’re not so overwhelmed. I think it’ll work. My weight has ballooned, but I decided not to care for a while (I’ve taken up stress eating!), while I’m in this period of high activity, as I’ll have time to work on that after the madness dies down.

So I’m abolishing the new years’ resolution theory. Well, at least for Januarys. I’m 27 in 18 days. All of the things I want to change and fix and put into practice are going to happen in my 28th year, and I can’t wait.

I look forward to reading all the blogs, tweets and Facebook/Flickr updates from everyone, and getting back in the loop. Spring already. Phew.

Reaching

2011-02-23T17:26:00.004Z

Yesterday morning when my mother texted me to say there had been another massive earthquake in Christchurch, my heart leapt to my throat. But I genuinely, sincerely didn't think anyone was dead. Last time no one died, right?

And then I got her next message, and the toll was at 65. Disbelief filled my mind and I immediately logged onto Stuff.co.nz when I arrived at work. Unbelievable photos of the wreckage and stories of loss and buildings collapsing, and the spire of the cathedral falling down.

Now it's at 75, with 300 missing and maybe 100 trapped in the CTV building. My heart is breaking for Christchurch and for New Zealand and all I can do is sit and watch the updates on Stuff and follow Twitter and try not to cry at work. It's devastating, and it's affecting me far more than I expected.

Kiwis have the innate ability to just get in and help when help is needed, and the offers of housing, sending of food and supplies and general support everyone is giving each other is amazing. I am so homesick, so confused and just generally mourning for the hundreds we have possibly lost, but I am so proud of New Zealand and its people, and so proud to call myself a Kiwi.

I love you, New Zealand. I miss you and I know you'll pull through this, and if I wasn't so ridiculously broke/in debt, I'd send some money to you.

If you can help, though, I know they'd appreciate it: how to donate.

Edit: A good list of appeal funds here.

Movin out.

2011-02-16T11:37:00.001Z

So above is the list of what needs cleaning before we move out. When you're relying on the deposit to come back from your old flat to be able to afford the deposit on your new flat, cleaning is pretty important.

But there is so much. Like seriously. When you live somewhere, you don't think about what's under the bed or in the storage cupboard, or the cobwebs in the top corner of the living room. You don't examine every part of the carpet, every edge of the windows and dust all of the power points. So it's a fun time.

Also, it's a pain in the ass living in a furnished apartment sometimes. While it's handy as hell to not have to buy/move furniture, it's so much easier when you're moving out to just get all the furniture out and then clean the hell out of the place. But no, we have to clean around/under the furniture, as well as the furniture itself.

We also decided we're going to buy a new rug (and most likely a shower curtain if I can't get the little bit of mould off), as a carpet cleaner is going to cost more than a new rug from IKEA, and mould can be freaking stubborn.

Oh the joy. I have spoken to: Barclays/Smile (our banks), H&M accounting, O2, BBC magazines, Atlantic Electric/gas, Virgin Media and the Council. Dave has to call? Orange. And maybe go into Barclays to make sure the address is changed on his half of the joint account (bizarre system).

And I'm glad we moved a whole lot already, as Friday is going to be all about cleaning and moving the last few pieces. The 25th is going to be a bigger move, what with the bed from Ann's and the chairs she is giving us. We're probably going to hire a van, but I haven't actually organised that yet..

At least it's distracting me from the joblessness! or nearly joblessness. A few opportunities in the pipeline but no joy yet.

Dreaming

2011-02-07T17:24:00.003Z

Clothes I would buy on my first pay day if I was offered a high-paying job... (hey, a girl can dream!)

ASOS, you are so evil sometimes (I heart you).

New flat ideas

2011-02-04T16:42:00.001Z

Just browsing IKEA, getting excited for our new home (and hoping I'll have a new job!)

Fingers crossed...

It's gonna be a happy new year..

2011-01-20T14:40:00.002Z

Last night at rehearsals for RENT, we went over Happy New Year A & B (as I am now also playing Mrs Cohen) and now that line is stuck in my head.

And hell, it's going to be a happy one!

I had all these plans for posts I was going to write before this one (and many drafts saved), but this is in my head to write now, so it's going to come out today. Here is my new plan for..

My fabulous new life

Oh yes, ladies and gents. I've decided 2011 is going to be about sparkles, rainbows, happy times and being more carefree. I'm going to emulate Audrey Hepburn and all that.

* Award for Ridiculous/obvious break-through of the year so far: my hobbies keep my depression at a much more manageable level. (I always ponder whether manageable or managable is more correct when I type it. I know you use the e, but it looks like manag-e-able. Anyhoo, I digress). Hobbies: I return to ballet (moved up a class) tonight, went back to rehearsals last night after my holiday, go back to dressmaking on Monday, and still of course love photography and blogging, even if I neglect them (and need a new camera!).

* One month until our move, so I'm going to start packing, organising, and tossing crap out. The new place is going to give us more space to breathe, a garden, an area for our PC/piano, and sure, plenty of new bills. But I don't care. I'm so looking forward to the quiet!

* My new haircut rules. Oh yes it does.

* We've had this new regime so far of going to bed early and getting up early (because of jetlag) and I have actually felt good and normal and able to cope in the mornings and better at work and everything. Ugh! I've been trying to do this for years, and finally been forced into it, and now I'm thinking I'm such a fool for doing it wrong for so long (although I still think Sarah-Rose is insane for her morning regime). Which leads me to..

* I think I might get a coffeemaker for the new place. Yay caffeine before work in the morning! (cue Dave rolling his eyes).

* I'm going to plan what I wear for work a bit better, and actually use my StyleBook app for this purpose. Although, more separates for work are required! Right now it's dress or bust, or trousers and a small selection of tops, or purple skirt with said small selection of tops. Thank God for H&M and their cheap selections, which I'll be buying on account over the next month or so.

* My hair is also super easy to style, as long as dry it after washing. I'll need more regular cuts, though.

* SPRING IS COMING!

* My diet so far has been going well over the last month, thanks to the flu/lurgi ruining my appetite for weeks. I have no idea what I currently weigh, but I'll be back on the WiiFit tonight. I've said this every year for a long time, but I really really actually want to get fighting fit this year. I feel better when I have exercise in my life, and this year it'll be Pilates, WiiFit, maybe running again (as I do enjoy it once I'm in a rhythm), and ballet. If I want to be hot for a few years before I ~~ruin~~, er, change my body with babies, now is the time to do it. And hell, we're planning...

* Holidays! Yay! My folks are apparently donating to our trip fund (to thank us for using up so much holiday and money to come out to them in December) and I'm hoping to go to Rome for my birthday. And then we are due to go to Barcelona at the end of July for Dave's cousin's wedding. Might be a few days up north of Barcelona, then a few days in the city. Other than that, we'll just wait and see.

I hope all you lovely people are well and happy, and I'll be posting some photos soon. I did start Project 365 again for 2011, and will be updating Flickr as well. Sadly, I've been a bit obsessed with Instagram for iPhone, so a lot of my shots for the beginning of the year were on that, rather than my camera, but I'll be dusting off the camera and carrying it around with me more this year.

It'll be my own little happiness project, 2011. You're going to hate me for my positivity. And hopefully lots of lame puns that'll make Dave give me that face.

(Can't wait to read this next January and scoff at my optimism! Kat, you are a dork!)

...hi?

2010-12-07T17:16:00.001Z

Random thoughts today, while I still get my shit together.

I am aware that I have weeks of photos to sort through so that I can catch up on my weekly posts. I have other posts to write and things to say.

I'm excited about my new Jewish blog. I have many posts planned and started.

Sickness + ballet + dressmaking + trips + being the only one at work = overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed is my biggest problem in general just now. My trip home is coming up very quickly and I have much to buy and sort, and the snow is wonderful but the closer it gets, it's freaking me out. Edinburgh airport cannot close on Christmas Eve. I will not be able to afford a train.

I have not lost any weight. I've been too... overwhelmed/busy/tired to exercise properly. So I'm going home to summer with all this excess. I can't say I'm really looking forward to the family comments!

I have songs I have to finish over the next few weeks and months, and the long periods of darkness make time feel so much shorter.

What I really need is a good list to gather my thoughts properly together and get productive. That is my plan for tonight. Once I get home. If I don't fall on my ass on the ice.

-9C/16F just now apparently. Brrr. I'd hate winter without Dave to snuggle up to.

(Yes, I am aware that I have too many blogs).

2010-11-25T17:39:00.002Z

Shechinah.

What I'm reading lately

2010-11-22T13:36:00.003Z

These blogs and comics amuse me so much. I giggle uncontrollably at work whenever I try to read the latest updates.

Hyperbole and a Half

The Bloggess

Hipster Hitler

Mark Doesn't Understand Animals

Better updates to come soon.

Day Twenty: The future

2010-11-08T09:53:00.000Z

When I look at Dave I see my future. So we'll see. Love is an adventure.

Day Nineteen: Nicknames

2010-11-04T15:03:00.000Z

Day 19- Nicknames you have and why you have them

I have had many nicknames over the years!

Kat - The obvious first one began at around 13, when I started playing an online MUD (yes, I'm a nerd) and wanted to try and be a little private about my real name (the internet is a scary place, y'all!). I'd had this odd obsession with the name Katarina for as long as I can remember.. it just seemed so grand and romantic and exotic compared to Katie. I was nervous about revealing too much about myself at the time, so I decided to adopt it, and it spun from there. I started using it more and more with online accounts and then more in real-life situations, and then... well, the rest is history. I adopted the stage name Kat McKenzie for songwriting at around the same time.

Stargirl - Coined by my big brother when I was looking for a name for the MUD. Love stars. Enough said, really.

Gypsy - Blame Davinia for this one. Her favourite Fleetwood Mac song was Gypsy, and she sort of saw me as a nomad and free spirit. I'm unfortunately a lot more grounded and less hippyish than I was as a teenager, but I still like the name and have used it a little on and off.

Kitkat, kittykat - Yeah. Pretty self-explanatory. Many a user of these and other cat-related jokes.

Kate/flossy/chick - My mother only.

Sis - My brother only.

Katie-potatie - My sister (and now her children) only.

Can't think of any others but people are very fond of giving them to me, so this may be amended at a later date...

Day Eighteen: Goals

2010-11-03T16:34:00.001Z

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Well. If you'd asked me 10 years ago, I would have had a very comprehensive answer on this, with a detailed plan that was full of confidence and bravado. Dreams of stardom and success by 21 have long disappeared, and my only current plan is this:

To stop really planning.

Now, I don't mean altogether. I will plan trips, plan where I'll live in a year or so, plan my finances. But I'm going to stop planning what my life will be like in 5 years and expecting it to happen. I just can't predict it or expect it to happen the way I used to, as it has lead me to disappointment, confusion and well, it kinda destroyed my confidence for a while. I was certain that some things would happen in my life and career, and they just haven't, and rather than be depressed about it at this stage, I'm trying to turn it into a positive and remind myself that life is better when it's spontaneous, relaxed and just living day-by-day.

I still have dreams and goals. My only two dreams in life have always been: to be a musician and to be a mother. That has not changed. I'm more realistic now about where my music dreams will probably go, in the fickle and ever-changing business that we now have. But I still want to play, write, record, tour, express. And I will, regardless.

Kids have always been on the radar, and I am the cluckiest woman alive. They will come when they come, when things are settled and money is less tight. And when I have the right sperm donor. (Kidding, kidding). I am excited just thinking about that. And like I've said before, I am really looking forward to being a stay-at-home Mum for the most part. There's no job I can think of that will be more rewarding for me.

So what an exciting future I have to look forward to.

Day Seventeen: Switching lives

2010-10-22T12:47:00.000+01:00

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Hmm. My first reaction was Dave, to be honest. How fun would that be? I could totally get into his head and I'd totally be so much better at video games.

But I think honestly it would be Sarah Slean, Sarah McLachlan, or Tori Amos. Play using their talent, their voices, with their hands, and feel what it's really like to be successful in what I love to do.

A nice dream.

Day Sixteen: Me, again

2010-10-21T10:18:00.001+01:00

(From new photoshoot with Laura Crockatt, October 2010).

Day Fifteen: 10 Songs

2010-10-12T16:57:00.000+01:00

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

I haven't used my actual iPod in a while (well apart from as a wake-up tool on my Hello Kitty iPod alarm clock), so here are the first 10 songs that play on my iPhone:

1. Dixie Chicks - Not Ready to Make Nice

Wow. It's been ages since I heard this. I have just done a wipe of my iPhone and added new tracks, including some old favourites. This song really struck a chord with me when I first heard it, and the video is really really good.

"It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her daughter that she oughta hate a perfect stranger.."

2. Chris Tse - Be Still, Be Brave

Short and sweet but kinda addictive, my friend Chris' song is stuck in my head constantly.

"If you let it be.. if you let it be.."

3. Florence and the Machine - Dog Days are Over

So catchy and bouncy and just, good.

"Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father.."

4. RENT - La Vie Boheme

One of my favourite songs ever from a musical: I still know all of the words.

"Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn!"

5. Bic Runga - Hey

I love her early stuff and decided to reload the Drive album onto my iPhone this week. I just.. love the way she sings this song.

"What's it to ya? You've been questioning why all day.."

6. Feist - 1 2 3 4

Another reload. This song always makes me happy. The Sesame St version is pretty amazing, too.

"Money can't buy you back the love that you had then.."

7. Joni Mitchell - River

One of her best.

"I wish I had a river I could skate away on.."

8. Charlotte Martin - Cloudbusting

Charlotte's version of this Kate Bush classic is pretty heartbreaking. One of my favourite covers.

"Keep it special, keep it dangerous.."

9. Taylor Swift - Mine

Yeah yeah, okay. Sshh you.

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter.."

10. Rufus Wainwright - Chelsea Hotel No. 2

I just can't skip past this. Ever. His rendition of this song is just so stellar; so sublime it makes my inner musician cry about never ever sounding this good.

"Those were the reasons, that was New York, we were running for the money and the flesh.."

Day Fourteen: Family

2010-10-08T23:53:00.001+01:00

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

I obviously haven't spent much time with my family in the last 18 months, so this is old, but!

(You've probably noticed, but I'm just carrying on doing these posts when I can, rather than trying to catch up to anyone else's timescales. I have enough goin' on!)

Day Thirteen: A Letter

2010-10-06T22:53:00.000+01:00

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Not exactly hurt. Just worried and caring too much, as usual.

Just another mail to say I miss you.

It's getting colder, days are getting shorter, money is tight.. but things are okay. I've cut all of my hair off, which is easier but strange at times. I'm still growing into it, if that makes sense.

I've had some bad health issues lately: a weird inflammation of a nerve in my brain left me with serious vertigo and nausea. I had 2 weeks off of work, and lord was it boring. I turned Skype on every now and then to see if I could catch you, but alas, no luck. I'm still not 100%, but I'm getting there.

One of these days you'll email me back and we can catch up and I can make sure you're okay. Your friendship means a lot to me, and I worry about you. I miss your voice and your words and just having you around; as limited as our emails were, they were great to receive.

I might play at a Leonard Cohen Tribute event at the end of the month. I've asked to play Famous Blue Raincoat or Song of Bernadette. I wouldn't even know those songs existed without you, so, thanks. :) I'll send you a clip if I can.

Anyhoo. Hope to talk to you soon.

Love,

Me. xx

Back..

2010-10-06T17:32:00.000+01:00

..to the land of the living.

Sorta.

I'll start continuing on with my 30 days of me posts ASAP, and the weekly photo posts will go up, to catch up. I did miss 2-3 days across the 2 weeks out of illness, so there goes my near-perfect record.

(first day back at work today and it was exhausting)

Still sick

2010-09-29T16:15:00.002+01:00

I'm writing to you from the HMS Vertigo*, where I'm still sick.

Not Labyrinthitis but we think it's vestibular neuronitis? ... okay. In bed another week. Will try and write some more posts over this time, if the spinning stays at bay.

*Coined during an email to Sarah-Rose, and it made me giggle.

Week Thirty-Eight

2010-09-26T22:02:00.001+01:00

I'm still in bed, but sitting up and felt like I could put up my weekly photo post (from the week beginning 12th Sept, so I'm still behind). I decided to shoot in black and white for the week and like the results I got. With the exception of Friday, it's all on my camera, too..

Sunday

Nearly time for bed/another week.

Monday

It's autumn now and the light is definitely changing.

Tuesday

Candidate boards at work..

Wednesday

I'm the last one at work..

Thursday

My favourite shot this week (maybe this year..) - the gorgeous light/buildings on Gorgie Road. Click the shot for the large version. Love.

Friday

Ooh la la, I'm in the bath.

Saturday

Wardrobe.

and..

I'm adjusting to the hair..

Labyrinthitis

2010-09-23T19:34:00.001+01:00

I am too sick to write just now but a whole slew of posts shall come soon. This is what I'm sick with.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labyrinthitis

It sucks. A lot.

Day Twelve: Blogging

2010-09-20T14:57:00.004+01:00

Day 12- How you found out about blogging, and why you have one

Well. That's all really thanks to the lovely Pamie.com.

I began using the internet in 1997, after my brother brought home a decent PC, starting playing a MUD and told me: "You're not allowed". So of course, I played it.

In 1999, a friend there (who I cannot recall for the life of me) linked me to Pamie's blog, which at the time I think was known as squishy, rather than just Pamie.com. Pamie's writing amused me greatly, and it was one of the first blogs where I felt I could connect to the writer, despite us having a little bit of an age difference.

I started reading TelevisionWithoutPity at some point after that, and then realised that Pamie was one of the folks writing the recaps. From there I realised I wanted to read both, so I started following Pamie, as well as many of the other writers on the blogs. (AB Chao is another recap-ist who cracks me up, and I love seeing videos of Pam and AB together).

The amazing thing about blogging, is that strangers from the other side of the world can feel some pretty powerful emotions after reading your site for a while. The fact that a blog is like a diary where you share your innermost thoughts, means that people think they know you, and after a while feel a bit stalkery. But I laughed (and identified) with Pamie's klutziness, loved her cats and her geekiness, felt like crying when things went badly for her, felt so happy on her wedding day, learned about roller derby, and bought all of her books (yes, Pam's a novelist, too!).

As Pam's life and career got busier, the diary entries changed to less personal diary-like entries and became stories/anecdotes. Youtube videos emerged, such as the great "activating" series, the video of the lesbian party night with Cat and what followed in the car afterwards (as well as a hilarious video of them trying to cook or bake, I think? that I watched and laughed until I cried), and then.. Twitter, which now lets fans talk to bloggers/celebrities directly, which does feel a bit odd at times as you know a lot about a person, but you are essentially a stranger to them. I don't send many tweets to her, though, as I still feel like a crazy ridiculous stalker.

As a kid I always loved to write, so inspired by Pamie, I started my own websites at 13/14 where I wrote a lot of my thoughts down and always tried to be entertaining and insightful. I started a livejournal in ~~2003~~ 2001, started this blog in 2005, and there you have it. I hardly think I'm as good of a blogger as Pamie was/is, and hell, Sarah-Rose has a better written blog than me, but I really enjoy it. I feel like it's cathartic and helps me express myself, and being one of those creative types, I get all weird if I can't express myself and get some things out.

So yeah. Pam, when you find this, don't worry. I'm a harmless Kiwi girl living in Scotland. I'm just a klutzy, silly, geeky person who loves to write.

ETA: My first livejournal was actually 2001, I think. The earliest entries I can find reference deleting the first journal.

Day Eleven: Friends (part deux)

2010-09-20T11:02:00.000+01:00

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Some more special people (and some more shots of the previously mentioned friends!)

Zehra, Susan, Debs

Tim, Laura, Neha

Kels, CJ, Carly

Group, Jeeves, Chris

The incomparable Sarah-Rose, Becs

Day Ten: Songs

2010-09-20T10:07:00.001+01:00

Friday at work was a bit busy, Saturday I had Yom Kippur services and then I went to Newcastle with Dave, my brother and his fiancee yesterday and it was exhausting. So I am catching up now!

(Except for the photos of the week. Those'll be up tonight, as they're on my camera and I went for a black and white photos week!)

****

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

I'm going to steal Sarah-Rose's idea and just list what I've been listening to lately, as songs for many moods are hard to list...

* Sarah McLachlan - Awakenings (one of the only songs I really love on the new album, sadly)

* Chris Tse - Be Still, Be Brave

* Taylor Swift - Mine (I know, I know..)

* Kylie Minogue - Get Outta My Way (addictive!)

* Peter Gabriel - Flume

* Freight - Down By The River (local Finn Brothers-esque duo that played at a gig I also played recently..)

* Barenaked Ladies - Moonstone (seeing them Wednesday and Friday this week! yay!)

* Robyn - Hang With Me

* Ben Folds - Cologne

* Joni Mitchell - River

Some old, some new.. just 10 songs I'm in love with lately..

Day Nine: Something I'm Proud Of

2010-09-16T14:32:00.002+01:00

Day 9- Something you're proud of in the past few days

I had a good think yesterday about things on my way home.

You see, I complain a lot (to myself, in my own head) about how things are not exactly what I want at this stage in my life, and how I want to change it. And due to finances and time and energy, I never really get around to fixing things or making it how I see it.

But lately? Many things I needed to accomplish have been sorted.

** I have been aiming for 1 gig a month minimum. I may be a performer, but I've been so ridiculously low in confidence over the past few years that the idea of trying to book these things and approach bars and clubs and musicians was a bit terrifying. But! I've had 3 successful gigs since June, might have 2 in October and a Holiday-themed one towards the end of the year.

** I'm going back to dance and starting to work out again.

** I've bought cabling for more gigs and a mic stand to start properly recording again.

** I've organised our budget, so that we can survive and know our limits.

** I have researched flats to buy, so that we can start looking.

** I'm soon to start learning something I've wanted to learn for a loooong time: dressmaking.

I have a job I enjoy (most of the time), a nice flat, a great boyfriend, an iPhone, piano/equipment, new mini laptop, great camera, small video camera for gigs and living, bike, wonderful Jewish community/shul, great work colleagues, blogs/sites/connections I'm proud of... there is so much to be grateful for; so many reasons to be proud. I just have to take a step back and appreciate it way more often, and stop complaining or wishing for things I don't have.

It'll all work out wonderfully in the end, and we won't be broke forever. I just have to remember to be patient, to make the most out of everything and just take life one day at a time.

See? I'm adjusting. I'm growing up. I'm human, after all. Thank heaven for that.

Day Eight: Short term goals

2010-09-15T15:10:00.000+01:00

Day 8- Short term goals for this month and why

Yeah. It's already September 15th. I guess if it was September 8th this would be easier and make more sense, but we're halfway through. But some goals for the next wee bit, anyway!

* Master my hair. Oh the new crop. How you tease me. You kink up when I wash you, you boof up in the mornings. I will tame you. My new wax will help.

* Start exercising again. Regularly. The poor Wii Fit that I pined and pined for has been neglected for quite a while. I must get back into a routine of doing it for a decent stretch when I get home, and adding some pilates into the mix. I used to love doing pilates. I don't know why I'm so lazy. Well, I love being lazy. But, I need to get going. My body is confused and wobbly from all this chocolate lately.

* Start making clothes! I start a dressmaking course on the 27th September. I am ridiculously excited, even though it's awkward to get to and I might have to lug a sewing machine around. But yay! I might be able to actually make my own dresses!

* Ballet, darling. I start dancing classes again on the 30th. It has been a while, but I'm really excited to be getting back into it. It should help with the waistline, too.

* New spending plan. Every other month I have to be cheap. If it's that damn pretty, it just has to wait. And just spending money because I have it is foolish. (I'm starting this next month, of course, after I buy some brogues). If I save some, I'll be able to do some good exchange rate shopping in NZ, anyway.

* Photography. I love taking photos. Hell, I think I'm quite good at it. But I've relied on my iPhone for a long time now, and I need to change that. This means copying my lovely Sarah-Rose, and taking my camera everywhere. I am slightly concerned that I'll come off of my bike and squish it, though (not that I've been actually cycling in the past few weeks!).

Well. What a well-rounded and creative individual I'll be if I accomplish these things! (aside from the exercise - I hopefully won't be well-rounded. Hee hee. Oh shut up.)

Day Seven: Impact on Me

2010-09-14T11:35:00.001+01:00

Day 7- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Ugh. I can't pick one thing. Here is a smorgasbord.

THE PERFORMERS

THE SHOWS

THE SONGWRITERS

THE BANDS

THE POETS

Day Six: Superheroes

2010-09-13T08:49:00.001+01:00

Day 6- Favorite superhero and why

I... really don't know.

I have spent 11 years of my life being friends with a group of guys who are very into comic books, superheroes and at times, action figures (I'm looking at you, Andy). I understand why liking these things is fun, but I've never liked the supernatural superheroes like Spiderman or the Incredible Hulk. It's fun to watch, but I'm not going out to grab it on DVD to keep forever. If I'm allowed to go a little outside the box for my pick, my favourite superhero would be Buffy.

Chosen to be the one girl in her generation that fights and kills the vampires, she is given superhuman strength and dexterity and you know what? she didn't ask for it. She was just this sassy, popular teenager and one day, everything changed. Over the series you see her struggle with this. She doesn't just do it because she has to. She struggles with being chosen to always be the one to save the day.

I suppose the real hero here is Joss Whedon, who consistently writes amazing female characters, because he feels there aren't enough of them out there. But I'm not going to start fangirling about him today.

And yes, I have the Buffy DVD box, comic books and action figures.

Week Thirty-Seven

2010-09-12T22:41:00.002+01:00

This week is pretty hair-riffic.

Sunday

One of the best things about the iPhone's camera is the shutter speed. Fantastic shot of the end of Festival fireworks. It just gets better each time I look at it.

Monday

I discovered strawberry laces. Mmm! 38p or 3 for £1 - bargain!

Tuesday

Pondering how incredibly hairy I am, and how it'll all be gone soon.

Wednesday

Evening service for Rosh Hashanah.

Thursday

Waiting for my Japanese takeaway.

Friday

Yeah, it's creepy, but here is my ponytail. I'm going to donate it!

Saturday

Green room at the Electric Circus, before my gig.

and...

I love this super-ruffly top.

Day Five: A Place

2010-09-12T21:50:00.000+01:00

Day 5- A picture of somewhere you've been to

Odd that this post falls on September 12th (9 years to the day "9/11" happened for me, New Zealand time), as I'm about to write about one of my favourite places in the world: New York City.

I've spent a good chunk of time in this amazing city, and just can't get enough. Sometimes I feel sad that I may never live there again, but hey. Never say never. And I will definitely visit again ASAP.

Here are some of my favourite shots. (NB: These were all taken before I gained any sort of real interest/knowledge in photography, and when I didn't want to look like a tourist

- I'm looking forward to going back to get more!)

Day Four: Habit

2010-09-12T13:42:00.000+01:00

Day 4- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Well. Most of mine can be categorised under "compulsions".

1. Biting the quicks of my fingernails and the skin around them (to "neaten them" in my OCD mind) when I am nervous or stressed about something. Which is often, because..

2. I am a worrier. I worry to the point of ridiculousness. Depriving myself of sleep or nutrients or relaxation because one task isn't done, or I'm pondering all of the eventualities of an upcoming event. Complicated and simply silly. (Dave is great at calming me down). I am working on this.

3. Spending. The moment I have my pay I get the urge to go online or into stores and buy new shiny things. Or new clothes. Or shoes. Most of the time I reach the end of the month (halfway between paydays) and I am broke, or I have used my credit card and will "pay it back next pay", which I do, but hey. Endless cycle. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will always do this, and living any other way makes me really unhappy.

Day Three: Friends

2010-09-10T13:34:00.000+01:00

Day 3- A picture of you and your friends

This is slightly harder for me to do as one picture! The above shot captures a great moment when I last spent time with my entire group (apart from my leaving/birthday party). Sarah is laughing, Rajeev is posing, Chris is "blending" with a duckface.. it's brilliant.

I have my group of guy friends, who are my core buddies. We've been friends since I was 15 and I love them dearly. Then I have a few girlfriends, two of whom now live in a completely separate hemisphere from me - Sarah-Rose is in my home town, and Neha is in Melbourne, Australia.

I have online friends who are very dear to me, some who I haven't met to take a picture with. So I'm going to focus on my friends at home for this post. My guys are awesome, and the beautiful Sarah-Rose is the bestest girlfriend I could hope for. So I've got this pic of my guys from New Years' Eve 2008-2009:

(amazingly, we all look good, except I think Nick isn't looking at the camera. Andy isn't posing like a jerk, tho!)

And this..

..is Sarah-Rose and I as long-haired beauties at a previous New Years' eve, 2007-2008, I believe.

I'm not going to get too gushy and sentimental just yet, as I have noticed that Day 26 asks me to wax lyrical about my friends. But I will say that I would not have coped the last 11 years without them, and I am so thankful that the internet helps me stay in touch and interact in a way that allows us to stay close.

I get a lot of mockery for my endless Facebook/Twitter activity, and how I seem to be almost oversharing or commenting on everyone's posts within minutes at times. But in all honesty, when you're thousands of miles from your friends and family, it's not the big updates that are crucial to keeping your relationships alive.. it's the little ones. The sucky things about your day, the new photos, the shared links, the joking around. That's what keeps us close and what makes being so far away not as hard as it could be.

If it didn't exist, I think I might have given up by now and gone home. If I didn't have my friends, I think I'd probably have given up entirely. They're my other family.

Day Two: The Blog

2010-09-09T11:05:00.000+01:00

Day 2- The meaning behind your blog name

I can't even remember how it started. It's been 5 years now since I started this blog.

I know I had a really really old email account that had 'humming' somewhere in the name, and my love of the word (and I like hummingbirds!) somehow branched out into 'humming along', which became a username.

Obviously, as a singer, it fits me fairly well, as even if I can't remember the words, I'll hum along to something. When I write, I might hum the tune for days while I'm trying to find the right lyric to put to it.

It also works well for my personal drive to always stay optimistic, even if things suck: just keep humming along. Keep going. You'll find the words to sing again.

...Shit, now I'm getting all profound. I better get back to work.

Day One: Picture/Facts

2010-09-08T12:51:00.005+01:00

Day 1- Recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

Well. Above is the most recent picture I have taken (and I don't want to take one right now at work!). I'm not that fond of it, but it'll do for today!

I don't know if these are "interesting" facts, but here goes..

1. I'm one of those people that doesn't need to be kept busy all day. I like doing 3 or 4 things at one time (ie. if I'm watching a TV show at home on my laptop, I'm often on the internet or playing a phone game at the same time) but I don't mind just hanging out at home, or doing housework. This makes me feel like I should have been born in an entirely different era, where ironing shirts and raising babies was the norm. Don't get me wrong, I'm a feminist and all, I believe in the rights of women to have the same jobs/pay/opportunities as men, but I think that also gives us the right to choose, and I'd like to choose not to. Thanks. (I did not mean to rant on this!)

2. Thanks to Meningitis (2001), I have a memory like a sieve. I forget entire films, books, conversations. It makes my life interesting but at the same time can be frustrating. Dave is constantly baffled by this. "But we talked about this last week." "Did we?"

3. I have successfully avoided going to the dentist in 10 years. I know I have cavities. But nothing ever hurts to the point where I go to fix it. I imagine I'll have dentures at 35.

4. I love my religion. I love God, debate, the people, the food, the stories, the culture. I feel it has become increasingly "uncool" and looked down on to be religious these days. This makes me sad. It doesn't make me some sort of nut, you know.

5. I'm obsessed with dresses. I can't remember the last time I wore trousers that weren't jeans (or my occasional black work trousers, which I wear when I'm feeling a bit scruffy or if I can't find a pair of clean leggings to go under my dress.)

6. It scares me that I have lived in Edinburgh for 18 months and not been outside of the UK (well, you know what I mean. We went to Canada for a wedding and I've been to Australia to see my family). Europe is right there, but we can't afford it. My next trips are to Newcastle and London, for a concert and hen's night respectively. And I want to go, but that sucks. 2011 might well be a travelling year, however, once the NZ trip is out of the way (and we now have a night in Vancouver on our way back).

7. I love Dave more all the time. I didn't think that could happen, but it's always growing. At least I know if something ever happened to me, he would know, as I tell him all the time.

8. I'm a really good speller. It just comes naturally to me, and I don't understand why others can't. But at the same time, my grammar is not always spot on. If I'm not sure, I'll just ask.

9. I love languages. I learned Japanese and French at school, and sadly haven't retained everything very well, but I had a fairly good level of NZSL before I left NZ, which I'd like to get back. I'm learning (Modern) Hebrew by ear/iPhone at the moment, which is fun, though I have no immediate plans for Israel just yet.

10. Every now and then I worry that I'm a completely different person now that I live abroad. Without all of the things that made me "me" (or the "me" I thought I was) like my friends, family, car, job... I feel like a strange version of myself sometimes. I know I'm still who I was when I left, but I still feel at times like I'm pretending, and I'll go home next week.

11. I wonder if I'll ever not be completely broke between paydays. I'm terrible with money as I am a compulsive shopper, always taking from one account to pay another account or card, and my love of clothing and gadgets is just too high. I don't mind. I don't think I'll ever catch up, but as long as my bills get paid, I'll manage.

12. I'm starting two courses this month to push myself: Dressmaking (first time!) and Ballet (had several years, going back). Exciting stuff.

13. Other than being a musician and a mother, I have no idea what else I want to do for a job. So I bounce from admin role to admin role (and I'm very good at it), and just make do with it. It's strange not having a long-term career plan, other than push push push on the music.

14. My favourite colour is turquoise, song is "A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell. I love Minis, 60s dresses, buying gorgeous shoes I'll never wear, babies and dogs.

15. Tomorrow I cut all of my hair off. I am terrified, yet ridiculously excited as well. My mother will probably cry.

30 Days of Me

2010-09-08T09:25:00.000+01:00

Though it does bother me that I'm starting it over a week late, I'm following Sarah-Rose (and a large bunch of others, apparently!), and doing 30 Days of Me.

The requirements to post are:

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been to
day 6- favorite superhero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about blogging, and why you have one
day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- a letter to your parents
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- what do you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- your favorite song

This should give me a good kick up the backside to post more, too. Will post Day 1 this afternoon!

Week Thirty-Six

2010-09-06T23:31:00.002+01:00

Sunday

Glee.

Monday

An amazing fluke shot of Castle St/the Castle.

Tuesday

An amusing Old Spice ad in The Metro.

Wednesday

George St on the way back from the bank in the sunshine.

Thursday

Sent home from work early with a sinus/ear/some sort of infection.

Friday

And Friday was spent thus.

Saturday

Mmmm lemsip.

and...

Weeks Thirty-Three to Thirty-Five

2010-08-30T10:20:00.000+01:00

Rescued from the HDD of the broken laptop. Luckily I still have my external HDD box.

Sunday 8th

Cookie batter. Mmmm. I did what I always say I'll do and ate some, and then felt like I always feel afterwards: sick. Why are mothers always right?

Monday 9th

An arty shot of my rediscovered Marmite that Dave had hidden in the back of the cupboard.

Tuesday 10th

I imagine this is a procrastination photo, as you need to be sitting at the piano to take this.

Wednesday 11th

Nope, not an exciting gig shot. Euros/US currency/a screw on the couch! (understandably rejected by Coinstar, so back in the jar they'll go)

Thursday 12th

Slippers and sheep socks. Mmmm. Getting colder.

Friday 13th

And stormier. How very Friday the 13th.

Saturday 14th

Oh, Matalan. That word does not mean what you think it means.

and...

Writing writing writing.

Sunday 15th

Gorgeous view from Sarah and Ami's wedding: 5th floor of the Apex International Hotel at Grassmarket.

Monday 16th

"Happiness" icecream: mint chocolate chip (coloured purple as we ran out of green colouring) with mini marshmallows. Sprinkles and cracking chocolate sauce on top.

Tuesday 17th

Our last day off before we returned to work was half spent in bed, then the rest of the day a disappointing shopping trip. I had the money and the time to finally look and it sucked. Boo.

Wednesday 18th

A terrible, blurry shot of Britain's Next Top Model, but it's the only shot I took.

Thursday 19th

View from the computer chair.

Friday 20th

Picked up my new bike and its hideous helmet (I'll get a new one at some point). She also gave me a lock, reflective gear and a pump! what a honey.

Saturday 21st

A plumber with classic signage on the way home.

and...

(I just realised that all 3 self-portraits are in this hoody. Heh).

Sunday 22nd

Chippie for dinner.

Monday 23rd

...Yeah. I've seen this in a few places, but seriously?

Tuesday 24th

Earlier sunsets, intermittent rain.. autumn has arrived.

Wednesday 25th

We're wondering how far it'll get before it snaps off.

Thursday 26th

I have no idea where I was on Thursday to take this photo. It looks like Morningside. I wasn't in Morningside. I'm confused. Probably taken on Friday and it's a date issue, unfortunately.

Friday 27th

After service Friday night we moved into the front room of an old church for kiddush. This hilarious sign was outside the main church hall.

Saturday 28th

Ingenious setup, no? I can wash dishes, yet watch Grey's (there's a glass cover on our oven top, so don't worry, I'm not putting a towel on our elements!).

and..

Sorry about the grainy photo. Without the laptop, I didn't want to use my camera, so it's iPhone in the bedroom. Hairy girl. I'm about to get the chop, so of course, my hair is lovely right now.

Laptops, money and property, oh my.

2010-08-23T12:00:00.000+01:00

Yeah, so I should have been posting Weeks 33/34 of Project 365, but on.. Thursday night? my laptop decided to die.

This is the 2nd Compaq V2402AU laptop I've had that has died a sad and sudden death. Sure, my brother and I bought them together in 2006, so they're old. But the fault? a power issue.

It's pretty well-established that laptops are just rubbish on battery power. So after 4 years with me (a serial AC-power user), the batteries in both laptops no longer keep the PC going for more than say a half-hour. I've had no problem keeping the laptop plugged in to use it. But there is a serious problem with the soldering on the power supply, which apparently can be fixed by someone who has some sort of decent experience in that, or if you send it away to HP and pay something in the area of £250.

I doubt the laptop is even worth that.

So I've used my blessed new overdraft from Smile/Co-operative Bank (after being seriously impressed with their customer service) to order a new MSI Wind Netbook. Sure, it's small and not really equipped to deal with heavy usage, but what do I use my laptop for these days? watching TV shows on my 1TB external HDD. Looking up bits and pieces on the internet. Playing highly exciting games like Theme Hospital or The Sims 2. (Yes, The Sims 2. I play The Sims 3 as well, but on Dave's computer, and besides, it doesn't let me have pets!).

So a 10" Netbook will do just fine. It has approximately 6 hours of battery life, so if we decide to take a train/plane trip, it'll help keep us entertained. It's very light, blue and comes with a wee carry case. And because I'm ordering it from my brother in London, I also have a RAM upgrade and external DVD drive being thrown in. Hurrah.

But yes, as all this is going on, I only have the internet at work or on my iPhone. I can use D's PC when he's at cricket on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and during the day on Saturday (but only for one more week!), but I haven't pulled my HDD out of the most recent laptop failure yet, so I still don't have any of my shots to share. And I barely can be bothered to use his, to be honest, as my iPhone has my email, and I don't really want to setup a bunch of software in the meantime.

I know I'm cursed when it comes to technology, but come on, really? This whole thing just makes me want to sigh.

In other news, we are house-hunting. Which is terrifying. Why am I trying to buy a flat in a foreign country? We're not seriously looking/mortgage-ing ourselves until September/October at the earliest, but we've started the online search to get more of an idea. Well, I've started the online search. Dave just sorta nods at me and goes along with it. Which I guess is okay!

Requirements are:

* 1 bedroom and a boxroom, or 2 bedrooms. Don't know what a boxroom is? it's a bedroom that legally has to be classified as a boxroom if it has no windows to the outside, and no heating. Often boxrooms have windows at the top of the walls that bring light in from other rooms, but they are usually just used for storage or as a study, anyway, so it's not really necessary. We want that extra room for my piano/equip, Dave's PC, possibly a bookcase. It also makes it easier to sell if it has this extra space.

* A bath. I don't care if the bathroom is neon yellow, it needs to have a bath. I miss having a bath more than I ever thought I would, especially in winter. Brilliant way to warm up and/or get relaxed before bed. Perfect during Dave's football-watching periods.

* Decent-sized kitchen. Not a massive IKEA-fest, though that would be fab. Just bigger than a walk-in cupboard, which is kinda what we have now. If you make dinner, you need to clean up pretty much straight-away, or there is no counter space. And Dave loves experimenting and trying new things, and I think he feels a bit stifled in such a small space. The ventilation is also limiting, so any dishes with intense smells/spices will make anything in the living room smell, and may lead to poor Dave choking with his t-shirt over his nose/mouth.

* Area. I'm not a snob. Okay, okay, I am. I don't necessarily want a fancy place or to live in the rich part of town. I just want out of the area we're in. It's hardly a ghetto, but it used to be a rough part of town, and while it has cleaned up and is a fairly good location close to town, a lot of the neighbours and local population are unfortunately still a bit... interesting. It actually hasn't happened in a wee while, but the fights in the stair were annoying in the middle of the night. We also live in the same street as the football ground, and while this makes for a fun atmosphere and the sound really doesn't bother me at all, getting in and out of Gorgie sometimes can be a bit of a mission. I've realised in the past year or two that I'm really very much a homebody, and love being at home or in my own neighbourhood, so I think I'd be quite comfortable living in an area with families/old ladies. Tragic, but true. So we'll see how we go.

We won't move until February, so I'm trying not to stress about it just yet. It just seems far too adult to own property. Especially in the UK, which I've never considered to be a long-term home. But for a year or two, it's a cheaper (surprisingly! but we have a large deposit) and more comfortable option.

Week Thirty-Two

2010-08-09T20:05:00.000+01:00

Sunday

Mural by Bristo Square.

Monday

My amazing Moo.com postcards arrived, perfect flyers for gigs.

Tuesday

Set lists..

Wednesday

Stuart kills a wasp in the office.

Thursday

A hilariously-hideous Edward Cullen painting in the window of the local palm-reader.

Friday

In the queue for Charlyne Yi. She was kinda rubbish. Loads of potential, but completely unfocused talent.

Saturday

I don't know who these people are, but hey! this van is in my street!

and..

I'm thinking of chopping off alllllll of my hair..

Week Thirty-One

2010-08-01T22:00:00.004+01:00

Sunday

This photo is marked 25th July, but I suspect it was taken on an earlier day. I think this is my first missed photo day, then!

Monday

Working on a new piece for the gig, stuck in my head.

Tuesday

On an errand for work, totally distracted by the pretty in the window. (My favourite ring was the 2nd row down, 2nd from the left).

Wednesday

Bus reflections.

Thursday

Song nearly finished.

Friday

Looking forward to August, it's gonna be a busy month.

Saturday

Dave wanted to go out with the boys, so I made him buy me icecream. Good agreement.

and..

Writing is taking my time a lot lately, but I'm not complaining.

Troubles, Week Thirty

2010-08-01T21:37:00.004+01:00

After we missed out on the flat we were due to move into, I went through a little bit of a crisis. Struggling to find suitable gigs, not enjoying my job, despairing about career prospects for both of us, the last thing I wanted to do was come on here and write.

Things have improved a bit since then, and I'm still planning on being here, doing my best to stay positive, and keep the blogging going, even when things suck. And they can seriously suck at times.

Anyhoo, I wanted to apologise for dropping off the deep end for a few weeks, but I'm back now. More Scottishisms, photo posts and just general thinking posts will be coming, as I make a really conscious effort to stop sulking about what goes wrong and just try and cope, change or move through it.

Sunday

Ancestry-obsessed.

Monday

The light hitting some of the buildings here can be magic..

Tuesday

The bus. Exciting, I know.

Wednesday

Festival gig confirmed, practice underway.

Thursday

The last few days of summer are upon us.

Friday

I was invited to a housewarming barbeque with some lovely people.

Saturday

A week book-ended with computer shots. (Btw, I knew "The Last Song" would be godawful, and it was).

and...

Week Twenty-Nine

2010-07-18T22:28:00.001+01:00

Sunday

Writer's block. List in top right corner are songs I'm working on and should be trying to finish.

Monday

Thoroughly uninspiring day at work. Actually was tired all week.

Tuesday

Flowers outside the Balmoral, a year after a fireman died in there.

Wednesday

Comfy clothes straight after work. Love this new top from Bench.

Thursday

Dalry cemetery. Popped in to get a picture of the nice path.

Friday

Ever had a flamingo 'round your neck? No? My top makes me feel like I have.

Saturday

Before an amazing bagel feast (celebrating Ami and Sarah's upcoming wedding!), Rabbi Mark calls everyone to Kiddush.

and...

Finally a self-portrait I like.

Week Twenty-Eight

2010-07-18T22:18:00.001+01:00

Sunday

View from Corstorphine hill while walking Jack for Ann.

Monday

Have come to the conclusion that new songs should be written for the keytar, and that I should stop trying so hard to adapt my old ones.

Tuesday

Waiting in the gardens before I meet a venue contact for the festival.

Wednesday

Not bad for 10:20pm.

Thursday

Carousel in Princes St Gardens.

Friday

I make a sweet chilli stir fry with peppers, courgettes and prawns.

Saturday

Never go anywhere without my new satchel.

and...

Bare.

Week Twenty-Seven

2010-07-13T23:14:00.001+01:00

Here is Week 27. I know I'm late, but today I'm not really caring (didn't get the best news). Week 28 to follow.

Sunday

Castle. Not so nice weather.

Monday

Ah, another desk shot.

Tuesday

Still can't work out what to put in this frame.

Wednesday

Keytar arrived. Rockstar.

Thursday

Still playing around with it.

Friday

Luke strolls into town.

Saturday

I liked these posters outside the Auld Toll.

and..

In a bathroom. Cause that's how I roll.

2010 Film round-up: Part One

2010-07-07T16:39:00.001+01:00

Since January 1st, 2010, Dave and I have seen (quick count..) 24 films. We haven't seen anything since the 9th June, as there hasn't been too much on to get excited about, but 24 is a pretty good record for me!

I am usually too broke and not that fussed about "seeing it in the cinema", unless there's a good reason for it. But the Unlimited movie card from Cineworld has been excellent and we've really tried to make the most of it. Here is my round-up of the films we have seen so far.

13.01.10 - Avatar 3D

Well. With all the hype you'd think we would have been amazed by this. But I went in prepared for the worst. And what we got was simply a rehashed, cliched story with some very very pretty effects. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. But only as mindless eye candy, purely there to keep my brain busy for a few hours. It was hardly mind-blowing stuff.

And I just can't get into 3D. Are my eyes that shit? Is it just not that great yet? Meh. I could have seen it in 2D quite happily.

My rating? 3/5.

22.01.10 - Up in the Air

Some reviewers have called this film a bit boring. A bit pointless. And found George Clooney's character not very... likeable. I can relate to that. But I think the point of this character was that he was just so disconnected from feeling anything real that he clung on to this strange obsession with gathering as many frequent flyer miles as possible. As a plane/airline nerd, I found the concept quite amusing and interesting, and loved the unconventional yet positive ending of the film. I liked the characters, the realism and the relationships that developed. So I'm gonna give it a 4/5.

Date unknown (first two weeks of Feb) - A Single Man

Wow. What a poignant, beautiful, sad film. Colin Firth was just incredible, as was the off-the-rails Julianne Moore. I really felt for the characters, despaired for the lead, and wished everything had turned out differently. One of my favourite films so far this year.

My rating: 5/5

20.02.10 - The Lovely Bones

I can see what they were trying to do here. Kinda. But it felt too.. mainstream-y. Glossy. Airy-fairy. Nice. The book to me was tragic, dark, traumatic, though I do associate it with her earlier, more auto-biographical novel, which still makes me shake to this day. It would have been a wonderful film by an indie director without the big budget, sparkly effects and casting. I loved Saoirse, and Stanley Tucci was amazing in his simple choices of expression, but Marky Mark just was.. bad. The Happening bad. Novel-to-film adaptations quite often suck, but for a book I really loved, it just felt lacking. Still love ya, PJ.

Rating: 3/5

02.03.10 - The Crazies

What an underrated gem this was. Gripping, exciting, entertaining as hell. I'd love to watch it again sometime. The whole town goes nuts. Nuts I tell ya! And for a sleepy town with lots of scary farm equipment and hicks with shotguns? that's an adventure. I loved the casting, the hold-your-breath moments, the story development and how real it almost felt. Well done. Almost as good as The Mist.

I liked it! 4.5/5

09.03.10 - Crazy Heart

From one Crazy title to another. This film felt at times very run-of-the-mill musician biopic, even though the musician in question wasn't a real dude. Struggling with alcohol and his personal demons, he tries to hold his life together and keep his career on track. I enjoyed it, and thought Jeff Bridges was brilliant, but found it never really went anywhere.

My rating: 3.5/5

12.03.10 - Alice in Wonderland

I love Tim Burton. Especially with Johnny Depp. I'll see any Tim Burton movie that comes along. But this was just.. rubbish. I really didn't enjoy it. It felt forced, over-the-top (even for Burton.. ugh, that dance by Johnny Depp), and I just didn't care about the characters or the outcome for Alice. Meh. Disappointing. I did find Helena Bonham Carter rather amusing, however.

Rating of 2.5/5 at most.

16.03.10 - Green Zone

A film that has been called 'politically preachy' or 'anti-American' always makes you curious, and being a fan of Greengrass' Bourne series, and the lovely Matt Damon, we had to make sure we caught this one. Action-packed, interesting and filled with conspiracy, the film is definitely a fun ride throughout. The cinematography and design of the film make you feel immersed in Iraq and in the situations that Miller finds himself in, and the realistic dialogue and plot keep you hanging on 'til the very end. I'll give this one a 4/5.

22.03.10 - Shutter Island

I'm almost sorry that I picked the plot twist up so early. It's a good one, and well-executed. But I definitely figured it out well before most, and was kicking myself later on, as I didn't enjoy the ending as much as I'd have liked. This film will keep you guessing and hoping that you never ever lose your mind. Ben Kingsley and Leonardo are just brilliant in it, and the dark, edgy feel to the film definitely improves the whole experience. I did find the music a little ridiculous, as it was loud and over-dramatic at times, but I think that was the feel Scorcese was going for.

Rating: 4/5

26.03.10 - I Love You, Phillip Morris

Based on the real-life bizarre tale of impressive conman Steven Jay Russell, this film is more than a little ridiculous. With excellent comedic timing from Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, the film is entertaining enough, but seems to just be a fun escapism (ha ha you see what I did there?) comedy, lacking in too much substance. Not a bad film, just not a brilliant one. I'd give it a 3.5/5.

27.03.10 - The Room

Oh boy. How do you review this movie? A cult classic, this film is one of those that you just have to see to believe. Completely funded by its creator and star, Tommy Wiseau, the plot, acting, style, cinematography and effects are at times mindblowing, leading audiences to now quite openly yell at the screen, "Why, Tommy!", repeat lines and on occasion, throw spoons (see it and you'll understand). I recommend this film to anyone who is able to see it. It's so so bad, but it gets 5/5 in my book. I'd see it again anytime.

30.03.10 - The Blind Side

Okay, so I may be a sucker for a tearjerker film. Especially if it's based on a true story. But what Leigh Anne Tuohy and her family did for Michael Oher is just remarkable. This has nothing to do with race or privilege, this is a nice family taking in a kid who really needed their help. Sandra Bullock is fantastic and I thoroughly enjoyed this film. It was just sweet, without being too saccharine. It wasn't preachy. It wasn't that predictable (well, the general plot was, but not play-by-play). And I was a total weeping softie when it came to the real-life photos at the end! Rating: 4.5/5.

Don't judge.

Well that's the 1st quarter of the year, I'll do April-June next, probably later in the week!

Scottish Word of the Week #6

2010-07-06T16:00:00.000+01:00

Bairn
n. baby!

Origins of usage:
[Middle English barn, from Old English bearn,related to bearm lap, Old Norse, Old High German barn child]

"Aye when you were just a wee bairn I used to mind you when your mam went tae the bingo."