I think it is partly
influenced by all the blogs I read but I am having a lot of baby dreams lately. I am either in a garden with a happy, fat,
squishy baby, or in bed waiting for Dave to come and feel a kick in my pregnant
belly, or a rocking chair with a small, wide-eyed child.
I always wake up
feeling so sad and like something is missing.
I know it’s not for
everyone, but I truly feel I will be incomplete until I have my children and
have all these moments as I become a mother.
And I know it’s a biological, evolutionary ingrained thing for me to
yearn and long and dream of babies, but some (read: most) days I just want to
have a little one in my arms.
I know so much about
pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting it’s slightly frightening (for one without
children). Partly this is because I have
three nieces, and have been hands-on and involved since they were born, but
partly it kinda makes sense to me in a way to do so. If you are wanting a career and aiming and
planning to do and be something (and have a learning mind like mine), you research. Dave has researched not only the Police in
general, but our local force. I have
lived in, been confused by, and studied the entertainment industry most of my
life. I have researched HR, Training and
Digital careers and practices because I have had roles involving all of these
things. So I find myself naturally
gravitating towards parenting/”Mommy” blogs and websites like Kveller (Jewish
parenting) and articles about slings. I mean, seriously.
But I know somewhere
in my heart and soul that I am meant to do this, to be this, and feel (and
hope) that I will be really rather good at it.
It does not frighten me at all. I
know it will be scary at times and so very very hard, but I also know I will
take so much joy and pleasure out of it, even the crying and the nappies and
the sleeplessness. (I am so used to
sleeplessness). And I imagine when
others rush to go back to work from maternity leave, I will be thinking of when
my next baby will be and how on earth will I manage more than one?
But for now, despite
all of this longing, I will ignore it and enjoy what I hope will be my last
years of being selfish, of sleeping in, drinking and going out late. Of movies
and concerts, plays and parties. Of travel and living according to my own
schedule.
Because while I want
to (and will do) all of those things,
it obviously will be harder. I hate it
when people tell you your life is over
when you have kids, because it’s just. not. true. Life is more complicated, on a different
schedule, and it’s a big crazy ride, but you can do whatever you want to do and
go wherever you want to go. Don't let anyone tell you differently. A new adventure begins and you just have to do things another way.
It’s going to be amazing.
