Shrinking

Ch-ch-ch-changes...


I have no idea what I weigh right now, but I will tell you this:  things fit better. All the magazines say that's what you should focus on, so I'm focussing on that.  That and I've been too lazy to get up earlier to weigh in. I might do that tomorrow.  But I fit size 10-12 with the occasional 10 and still plenty of 12s. Progress.

My back feels firmer. My collarbone is more visible, though it pretty much always has been. I don't have a six pack but my waistline is getting smaller. That's going to need the most work.

My thighs are alien to me. I honestly sometimes look at my legs, baffled that they're mine, after hating them for such a long time. Short skirts and shorts are in my future.

My arms have always been small but feel taut.  My hips still feel.. doughy, but I imagine I'll work on them in time.  I might might MIGHT wear a two piece swimsuit again without wanting to die inside.

And I've always been small. I know I'm not some elephant. But a lot of it is in your own head most of the time, and if I'm feeling more confident, that's pretty huge for me.

I feel.. optimistic. Hopeful. A running theme for 2012.

Week Four

Cold but crisp sunny days dominated this week.

Sunday: 22

The photo a day challenge called for reflections..

Monday: 23

Heading to the movies.

Tuesday: 24

Heading home through the church yard.

Wednesday: 25

Heading to work on frosty streets.

Thursday: 26

Such a nice sky.

Friday: 27

Getting a bus into town to meet a friend, with a beautiful sunset.

Saturday: 28

and...

Week Three

Not a huge update today. I officially got word during the week that I am not being taken further on my application for a great job (internally, at my charity). At first it sucked really bad, and then I realised, you know what? this attitude doesn't fit with my 2012 of positivity. So I missed out! I still have a job when so many don't. And though my job is not a massive challenge, at the moment that's a good thing. I am about to get a (company-wide) rise in pay, I don't work long hours, I have a huge amount of autonomy, and best of all? I just helped our team hire a friend who has been out of work for 6 months.

I'll worry later on about all that for me. Just now I'm focused on hopefully receiving Dave's confirmation for the Police soon, and am writing a fun list of what I can do with all my free time come April, when he is away at Training College.

Here are the photos for the week.

Sunday: 15

A fluke shot from the bus on a stunning Edinburgh day.

Monday: 16

A lovely wintry sunrise.

Tuesday: 17

A much-needed soak.

Wednesday: 18

A new favourite blouse which was a hit at the office.

Thursday: 19

The canal outside the office. Brr. Been a frosty week.

Friday: 20

I took advantage of an opportunity to work out of Stenhouse Mansion for the morning.

Saturday: 21

Sadly, due to a broken frame, my canvas Klimt knock-off is lying in the corner of the living room.

and..

Exhausted Kat.

Milestones

In New Zealand time, it's the 16th January. Which means that my beloved grandfather would have been 99 today.

I love and miss you, Dandan.

Hope.

Well we're two weeks in, but so far 2012 is pretty awesome.

I kept saying last year that things had to change, and that 2012 had to be good for us, and so far we have had some really excellent developments. I'm being optimistic and hopeful that it continues.

Hope is a marvellous thing. Hope carries you through when you have nothing else, and when you're scared that nothing you dream can possibly come true.  From 19th December, we had hope that Dave's new job opportunity was closer and closer, and then when we had the date for his final interview (January 12th), everything worked towards it.  Suddenly things were happening.

And it feels different, too. We are not different people, but we have tried to form different habits and break bad ones. We have been better at keeping the house in order, I have been better at being creative and following through, and the life I want to be living is not just a possibility, but what we do day to day. Simple things like planning my work outfits, putting different workout schedules in place, planning my work day better, changing things that don't work. And I'm carrying my moleskines around, using soundcloud to record ideas, and dedicating time to write.

I've got a list of lovely things, simple things that we need to make our home more.. homely. More us. One of our hopeful purchases for April is a new sofa, as our futon is great, and suits us for guests, but not having a comfy couch in the living room means we just don't spend any time in there.  Dave sits in his alcove, I sit in or on the bed, and we never live in our living space.

I am clearing out clothes, shoes and things. I don't need to keep everything. I will not wear that again, no matter how much I tell myself I might. I don't need to keep the alarm clock that doesn't work, just because I have a sentimental attachment to it. I hate those damn uncomfortable shoes.  The clearing out has been really cathartic. We just have so much crap. We don't need all of this crap. We'll buy new crap, but some room needs to be made. (Our paperwork still really needs to get in order, though. I was so good at filing it! and then I got lazy..)

Investigating car options has been exciting, and if Dave was successful we were thinking of buying a cheap used car on a payment plan. I'd take it to work, Dave'd take it to cricket, and during police training, I'd collect him from Tulliallan on Fridays and drop him back on Sundays. And we could take wee trips.

And then, Ann, Dave's mother, offered us her car when she upgrades in April/May. Holy crap! Things like that just didn't happen in 2011. 2011 sucked things away for us and bankrupted us both. 2012 gives us a car?  It has its problems, but nothing major, but it has space for cricket bats and pianos and all the other exciting things we need it for.  It'll also come in handy for when my bestie and her adorable husband come to visit us in early May. Seriously looking forward to this!  It's been a long time since we've had visitors and quite a while since I've seen Sarah-Rose, obviously, so it's exciting stuff. We're planning small trips and places in town we want to show them.

We had hope and plans for new things and some travel and some breathing space in the bank account for once. We had hope for wiping debt and going out for dinner every now and then and making our lives easier. We had hope that Dave would get into the career he wanted and even though that meant I would stay here longer than I ever planned to, that we would be set up for our future by giving him the experience he needs and us some financial stability.  My uncertainty about living in Scotland for such a long time was something I let drop away; I knew then, as I know now, that I love Dave and us enough (and funnily, Scotland enough) to stay.

Because I only have to look over at him as he cracks a smile at the book he is reading, or dances around as he cooks dinner, or come home to a clean house or a cup of tea or a bath run to know that I love him more than I thought I could. I love him more all the time. He surprises me more all the time. And I am so very, very happy. Staying here with him is a no-brainer.

So it's lucky they said yes, right? It's lucky they said they want him, and 2012 said, "Here. Stop freaking out.  Stop panicking. You're going to have a new life."  Because once that is all confirmed, our lives will change, we will struggle less, and things will just get better and better.

And that new hope is the best hope of all.

Week Two

Sunday: 8

Cold, dreich day. Perfect for staying inside.

Monday: 9

Lots of great sunrises and sunsets at the moment, due to the days getting longer again, and the lack of clouds/rain/snow.  My morning walk has been a lot prettier.

Tuesday: 10

First bath in what became a 3-bath week! I'm really taking advantage so far this year.

Wednesday: 11 

Slightly stressed-out, cold, in need of bubbles.

Thursday: 12

What started as a freezing morning became a really, really good day.

Friday: 13

Stunning morning coming over the canal bridge to work (no filters or effects on this one).

Saturday: 14

Dave's latest delectable offering: the Sausage & Egg McBagel. What he calls "jewing up" breakfast.  The sausage is the Scottish flat beef lorne sausage. Mmmm.  Great with ketchup!

and..

Allergies pretty much took over Saturday.

2012: Week One

My very talented and creative friends, Sarah-Rose and Chris, are involved in Project 365: a photography exercise where you take a photo every day, a self-portrait for each week and post them up at the end of the week.

I did this for months in 2009? 2010? before giving up, as I just didn't have the time, camera or energy to get properly involved in this.  One of my hopeful goals for the year is to acquire a DSLR, even entry-level, and take a photography course. I know from my ex-photog father that I have a good eye, so I want to really know how to make the best of a good camera and capture my life.

At the moment, however, I'm relying on Instagram.  I can't promise there'll be amazing shots until I have a better camera, but those who do not follow me on Instagram may enjoy the shots I am taking at the moment.  Here is Week One. 

Sunday: 1

 

 A cheating shot, slightly, as this was taken at 12:01am on 1st January, capturing everyone circling the room for hugs and kisses. Happy New Year!

Monday : 2

 Susie's Christmas tree. Every year it's bigger than the last.

Tuesday: 3

I decided to clean and sort our drawers. Oddly fulfilling.

Wednesday: 4

A particularly fascinating recipe in my Scottish Recipe book for sheep's head stew.

Thursday: 5

Sunset shot from the office.

Friday: 6

Making Dave birthday jelly.

Saturday: 7

Dave's birthday was spent mostly in bed, as I had slept badly and he was engrossed in his present from me: a Kindle.

and...

Obsessed with wrap dresses.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

One of the biggest "lessons" that I want to try and learn and ingrain in myself this year is how to let go.  One of my tattoo ideas (that I hope to get this year) involves these words.

I am terrible at this. I hang on to everything. And I don't just mean everything bad that has happened in the last few years to me, but everything bad I have also said and done can replay in my head at times. For a long time.

I went through several periods (up and down in my bouts of depression) over the last few years where I felt very much that I wasn't good enough. The talent I thought I was sure of had gone, the confidence in myself was gone, and the feeling that no one cared was hard to ignore, despite it being a ridiculous notion.

Now my confidence is back (with a vengeance), I'm finding it's affecting me in another way, which is also negative in a sense.  To be confident in oneself and one's talents means that you can come across as arrogant, which is ingrained in me as a very, very bad thing, and is the last thing I want to be perceived as. I hate blowing my own trumpet and telling people I am awesome, and perceive this kind of showboating as a negative quality (I however have no problem with others doing this, just me!) so I keep fairly quiet.  But this has cost me jobs, shows, and probably connections.  I'm aiming to change this in 2012. 

The facts are: I have a talent. I am a good songwriter. I am a good singer. I am an intelligent person with excellent skills. It is not bad to share these talents, explore them and use them to my advantage.

I also need to remember some very important things:

- Some people are just not going to like you. Professionally (my music) or personally (want my friendship).

- Creatives are weird. And I don't just mean those I have encountered here in Edinburgh. Creatives are volatile, quirky and flimsy friends at times.

- Friends who do not make the effort may not be true friends after all.  It can't always be me reaching out.  I take pride in being an incredibly loyal, selfless and loving friend.  If they do not see this or want to be my friend, they don't have to.  It's a little bit primary school, but hey. I am trying, I have tried, I will keep trying. I have lived here nearly 3 years now.

- Mistakes you have made in the past are there to be learned from and not dwelled on.  There is no good to be gained from beating yourself up over what you have said and done years ago. Be your best self now.

- You're not doing the project, get over it.  If they don't recognise your talent or involve you, it's their decision to do that. Move on.

- You can't control everything.  How I wish I could. I feel so much better when I can.

and...

- "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Thanks, Eleanor Roosevelt.

2011 in film

Dave and I ended up seeing 60 films in 2011.  As we are Cineworld Unlimited cardholders (unlimited films for £14.99/month), we quite often see a lot of films we wouldn't otherwise bother with, which is fun. This year we have divided our thoughts into 3 categories: Worst, Best and Good Fun. The Good Fun movies aren't winning awards any time soon, but we walked out of the cinema each time with such a good feeling that we couldn't ignore them in our summation of the year.

WORST FILMS (or films we enjoyed the least):

5.  Scream 4:
So the franchise is fun and ridiculous, but seriously, these things are just a joke now. We went purely because I insisted, after obviously being a teenage fan of the early films, and found it predictable and ridiculous.

4.  What's Your Number:
As cute as Chris Evans is, he couldn't save this film. And while we had a few good laughs, overall it was a pretty rubbish piece of cinema.

3.  Transformers 3:
Fans of Kermode's film review show would have heard his hilarious rant on these films.  While showy, loud and explosive (as Michael Bay loves), it only vaguely entertained us, and meant that we spent more time throwing our hands up and shaking our heads than we did laughing or caught in the action.

2.  Hangover Pt. 2:
No. Just.. no.  It's the same film, in a different city! It was borderline offensive, unimaginative and just really, really stupid.

1.  Tree of Life:
Yes, while appearing on a lot of best lists at the moment, this is our worst film of the year.  Dave and I went with his mother and her friend, and while I went with a very open mind, wanting to enjoy it, I just couldn't.  There is a thin line sometimes between art and wank, and this felt like pretentious, over-the-top wank. And exactly the kind of film that filmmakers, critics and Hollywood glitterati will jump up and down about, excitedly proclaiming it to be the film of the decade. Because it's very pretty wank, with some very good actors in it.  It's exactly the type of film that people either unanimously scoff at, or get far far too behind it, because they don't want to look stupid. It's like looking at a piece of art that has 3 coloured stripes on it, and because all of the "important people" around you say how wonderful and deep and meaningful it is, you immediately dump praise on it.
While beautiful to look at, I could not connect with it. Too much pretension, not enough heart. No characters I cared about. No real development to make me feel any sort of angst for any of them. Just stars and nice lighting and cinematography and dinosaurs and.. too much wank.

Also-rans: Battle: Los Angeles, which wasn't awful enough for "Worst" or enjoyable enough for "Good Fun".  Everything else we saw that isn't in this list is in another category, titled "Meh".

============================

GOOD FUN (not ground-breaking, but enjoyable):

5.  Fright Night 3D:

I think part of the appeal of the films in this category are that we didn't go in expecting much.  Fright Night was no exception. It was surprisingly funny, clever, and just damn enjoyable. Colin Farrell was ridiculously entertaining at times, and David Tennant damn near stole the film.

4.  Trollhunter:

Marvellous piece of "found footage".  Full of recognisable folklore, amusing anecdotes and characters and the actual effects were very well done. Also, hilariously, a great tourism piece for Norway, as in some of the scenes I just couldn't help but turn to Dave and say, "I want to go to there."

3.  Footloose:

Oh dear. I was dragged to this, as D thought it'd be fun, and I really wanted to hate it. But the country remake of this 80s classic just well, worked. And although I hated the new "dancing in the barn" scene, I found the rest of it to be really, really, good fun. Sorry, Kevin Bacon. I still love you.

2.  Sucker Punch:

Wow, is this film hated.  People have their pitchforks out for this, proclaiming it to be chauvinistic, porn with swords, boring or just plain dumb. Well okay. It's not the most feminist piece, but I was not offended by it, and actually was kinda surprised afterwards when people said they were. It was a piece of fantastical fiction, which was really really fun to watch. Not exactly the best film ever, but we were definitely not bored.

1.  50/50:

I'm not a huge Seth Rogen fan. I find his voice irritating, and that he plays the same role in every film he does. But Joseph Gordon Levitt, I am a fan of, and he and Anna Kendrick sold this film to me.  Anjelica Huston also shines as the very-believable mother of a cancer patient. 

We didn't consider it to be one of the best of the year, but enjoyed it so much that we had to make it our favourite "Good Fun" film for 2011.

Also-rans: Stakeland, Inbetweeners, 30 Minutes or Less, Red State, Tintin, Harold and Kumar, Drive Angry 3D.

============================

BEST FILMS (enjoyable, well-made, "wow-inducing":

5.  Senna:

Disappointingly missed out of Oscar nominations, this documentary was spell-bounding. I had, shamefully, never heard of Ayrton Senna, so agreed to go as D was so keen on the film. Of course, not having heard of him, I was also unaware of his untimely death, which put an extra spin on this documentary for me: the shock at his accident, for me, was real.  Beautifully-edited, fascinating and just plain captivating. Not a F1 fan, but I really enjoyed it.

4.  The King's Speech:

Released in the UK early in the year, so a must for this year's list.  We all know the reasons it deserves to be here: excellent acting, great story. Understandably applauded by most.

3.  We Need to Talk about Kevin:

Now, if this were my list, and not for both of us, this film would top it. Having enjoyed the book (well as much as one can "enjoy" it) years before,  I was excited to see a film adaptation, and this did not disappoint. The casting is stunning: Tilda acts her ass off, from a twitch in her eyelid to her tippy toes. Ezra is terrifying as Kevin, and John C. Reilly is excellent as the oblivious father.  Without showing too much detail, the film builds up to the horrifying act that only Eva saw coming. It's every mother's nightmare, and Lynne Ramsay has done a really beautiful job here.

2.  Drive:

Though a bit violent for me, this film was well worth it. Ryan Gosling is bad-ass, the story is gripping, and the soundtrack is amazing. We both walked out of the cinema saying "Wow", and saying it was in our favourites for the year. The characters are believable, the script is sound and it's just very, very impressive.

1. Black Swan

I think if Dave wrote a list Drive might have topped his, Kevin would have topped mine, but we both agreed that Black Swan is truly incredible and probably the best one to agree on at #1.  Again, a film late to the party here in the UK, but this twisted psychological thriller had our teeth on edge and us talking afterwards. The cast are excellent (Natalie truly deserving of her oscar), the story is gripping and the swan allegory was very well-done. I think my knowledge of the ballet itself was helpful, as I loved all of the links between the film and Swan Lake. 

Now, if we were to have had a top 10, films 6-10 would have been:

6. The Guard

7.  127 Hours

8.  Midnight in Paris

9.  Never Let Me Go

10.  Super 8

Also-rans:  13 Assassins (amazing), Beginners, Tinker Tailor..., Crazy Stupid Love (best comedy of the year?).

I hope you enjoyed this, and aren't too angry with our choices. It's all opinion, of course.  I hope you had a good year at the cinema and I can't wait for 2012 to unleash all the great films I've been waiting for including The Iron Lady which is finally out.. but most of all, we're finally getting The Muppets in February! About time. I can't stop giggling at that damn Orange ad.

Plans

Not doing the resolutions thing, because well, they always fail.  Last year's "my amazing life" post was fun and I've managed to stick to most of it. To put it in writing for the year:

The Awesomeness that is 2012 means:

- Getting up earlier, having breakfast/coffee, getting to work earlier. Yes, this means going to bed earlier! I'm not 21 anymore!
- Planning my wardrobe better and taking more care with my hair.
- Using my new beautiful jewellery box to keep everything together..
- ...and buying some jewellery!
- Making more effort to get out and into Edinburgh.
- Making more effort to use Soundcloud to record drafts and clips for the music site.
- Positivity. Not letting old regrets linger. Letting go.
- More me time to read, reflect and study Torah.
- Working out more and being more conscious of what I eat and drink.
- Writing and updating this blog more!  If depression stops me writing, then well, I need to write about my depression.
- Continuing to be supportive and loving of my man, family and friends. People are so important.

I hope you had an awesome start to 2012, everyone. I'll post our top film lists for 2011 tomorrow when Dave is home from football.

Too many posts already!

xx
K

NYE photos

Some photos of New Years' Eve - with some of our favourite people.

2012

Well it's here! the end of the world is nigh, bitches. Well not really. I think maybe the Mayans couldn't fit much past 23rd December, 2012, on their charts, and thought, "That's really really far away. Go with that."

I do like the X Files tie-in to the date, however, so we shall see. We may be invaded yet.

Like it was for many others, 2011 was not a great year for me/us. Financially, emotionally, etc, it was hard. We both lost our jobs last year, and while I found another, I haven't really found it fulfilling or challenging in the slightest. There is no way I was/am going to genuinely complain, as it's a freaking job, and so many are without one. But. Hey.

I have applied for an exciting role that I would actually enjoy going into the office for, so fingers crossed.   Dave is of course in the Police recruitment process, and we hear about that on the 12th. Which I'm kinda shitting myself about. It should be a positive day, and he will be an excellent cop, but if he doesn't get it, then.. well, shit. I don't know what we'll do from there. But at least he can explore permanent job options.

And I'd love to say that our lives are dependant on other factors, but well, our lives are kinda in limbo on this one thing. So if he gets in, and/or I get my role (his would be enough), everything changes. Everything. And while it's mainly to do with money (we can afford to travel and live a little easier, and we can go home every now and then), more importantly, the biggest change would be that we stay here. Which is scary and exciting all at once. I've never been 100% sold on living in Edinburgh long-term, but for this? and for him? in a heartbeat. And if it means we have a better life and a better future, then I am willing to do it. He's my family now.

It's scary thinking that by then I will have spent more than half of my twenties living in Scotland.

So here's hoping. Plan B may be right around the corner. But if things come through for us, then well. 2012 might just be a good year.