Slipping

The beauty of being human is that you slip up, you fail, and you learn. One of the things I've trying to learn to do this year to be to okay with my failures and try to drop some of my regrets.

It's poetic and nice to say "no regrets" when you're living life, but I find it hard to follow through on. I can play some things in my head over and over and feel just terrible about the way I handled a situation, what I said to someone, or how I hurt someone either directly or indirectly. I think this kind of worrying and dwelling is bad for one's health, so I'm trying to let some things go.

And then there are the small things, like breaking your diet by eating cheesecake at 10pm on a Sunday night because your country won the Rugby World Cup.

I live and learn..

Rawrrr.

A while back a good friend of mine (my bestest) Sarah-Rose wrote about her experiences with eating "paleo", which she rather amusingly calls the "dinosaur diet". You can read about her early thoughts here.

She had a fairly positive experience eating paleo, and at the end of it had also shrunk a little. As I am forever unhappy about my figure and trying to slim down, I figured Dave and I, for the month of October, could go on a little diet change of our own.

Rather than go full dinosaur, we decided we would do something that had proven to be very successful for me in the past and go low carb. Before I moved to Scotland, I spent a few months doing pilates and cut my carbs considerably, and after sticking to these and a few other good habits, dropped a stone before my move (1 stone = 14lb = 6.5kg).

I'm not really looking to lose a lot of weight, to be honest. Over the last few months of gym-going, I've toned my legs and arms quite a bit and can run a lot longer/further. I just think a healthier, less-stodgy-foods lifestyle is better for me overall.

And while we cheated a little in the first 10 days or so of October, lately I've been sticking to it really well:

* Water water water!
* Gym. I give myself 4 set times to go, and if I fail once a week? no big deal.
* Alternate exercise. On a Sunday I'll walk with Dave if the weather is good enough, swim, or do some yoga or pilates in the house.
* No pasta, rice, potatoes, noodles, bread!
* Fruit only or low fat yoghurt for snacks.
* Or oat cakes with marmite. But rarely.
* Eating earlier in the evening and smaller portions.
* Soups! Nom. Lucky the weather lately has been horrendous.

I've also formed/joined a wee "lunch club" at work. 3 of us meet every day for lunch and just eat big hearty salads. We take turns buying salad greens, peppers, cucumber, avocado, dressings, croutons and a little cheese.

So as of October 17th? I am feeling amazeballs. I just have so much more energy, and for me that's incredible. I live in a post-meningitis haze of exhaustion 90% of the time. So to have energy in the afternoons at work, and even better, in the evenings, is making a major difference to me. I can't wait to see how I feel at the end of the month. If I'm still feeling good (and I feel more in shape), I'm probably going to just keep going with it.

And then, maybe? we might go paleo. The idea of not having beans/quinoa/lentils/chickpeas scares me a little, though. And no dairy? eeek. I love my Onken yoghurt (I eat a tub a week) and the very occasional icecream.

One other secret to my success (well, in the past!) is allowing myself a cheat day. On Saturdays I can have a little bread, a little potato, some icecream at the movies. I find that if I tell myself whenever I have a craving "You can just have it Saturday!" I end up waiting... and then not actually having it. It's very rare that my Saturday calorie count is that much higher than the rest of the week.

I think without it, I'd buckle to chocolate and ruin the whole diet by eating like a slob for days. This keeps me under check, even if it's just a psychological crutch.

So yeah.. watch this space. If it makes a huge difference, I'll definitely tell you. I just know we needed a change from our bad habits.

Switched off

I have a 3 episode rule when it comes to new TV shows. It has 3 episodes to impress me (as to be honest, some pilots are pants), and if I still like it, I'll stick with it. Sadly, some shows haven't made the cut.

Couldn't stick with it:

Gossip Girl: To quote the internet - WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. I gave it 2.5 episodes then changed to something decent. I just couldn't cope with the ridiculousness.

True Blood: I also tried. And this is one I might go back to, I think, but I was just.. bored by it. Go Anna, though.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Why oh why! I just didn't find it funny. In fact, I found it kinda vapid and offensive. And I was kinda annoyed that people I like recommended this to me.

Supernatural - Yeah, I may love The X Files, but this just doesn't give me the same joy. Maybe because there's no sexual tension between two brothers. Or well, anyone on this show. And no redheads.

Barely tolerate:

An Idiot Abroad - I know this is apparently for real, but yeesh. Occasionally amusing, I usually skip past the beginning or well, any moments with Ricky Gervais, as the minute that man laughs I want to stick knitting needles in my ears.

Whitney - Previously mentioned I know, but don't worry, this'll get its own post.

New Zealand's next top Model - So apathetic I haven't capitalised it correctly. The accents make me cry a little.

Sick of the spazzes:

Doctor Who? - Okay. What actually put me off was the fact that I loved the sort of boyish, silly Doctor from when I was wee (and my mother watched it) and Eccleston just didn't fit. Then the lovely David Tennant came in, but the show had Catherine Tate, who seems to be oddly popular, but I just can't stand her. And after that? I just didn't feel I could be bothered.

Vampire Diaries - Too many vampires, people. Too many vampire-lore... things. Get over it, Twihards.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Kill me, kill me now.

The Real Housewives of.. well, anywhere - Fuck. Right. Off.

2 and a Half Men - Never got the hype. Do not understand it. It is the least funny show on television with terrible, terrible acting (apart from Melanie Lynskey - reprazent!) and ridiculous overdone comedy. Charlie Sheen is the most forced actor/comedian I've ever seen and I have no idea why people bought his shit for so long.

Completely opposite post to come another day soon on shows that should not have been cancelled, as well as those that have jumped the shark...

On legalizing marijuana

I only really have one thing to say on this. I'm all for personal choice. I'm never going to be a pot-smoker. I've never seen the interest in it, nor have I really enjoyed it when I have tried it.

I agree that the police time and energy spent on it should be spent on other things, and minor possession and personal consumption are not worth the hassle.

But when people say to "go ahead and legalize it, it's not hurting anyone but the smoker"? That isn't true. It may not be every time, or every case, but drugs break up families and mess up lives. Go ahead and smoke it, go ahead and do that to yourself, but if you are one of the small percentage of people that end up moving into harder drugs or having serious mental health issues, then don't ask the state to pay for it. I don't want to pay for your rehab, or for your psychological health. I don't want to fix you if it breaks you.

Choose wisely.

2 Broke Girls

One of the great new shows to join the US “fall schedule” is 2 Broke Girls, a sitcom starring the crass and witty Kat Dennings and a new face (well to me) Beth Behrs. Written by Whitney Cummings, who was on Punk’d and is a Chelsea-Handler-esque comedian (who I kinda want to slap in the face, like Chelsea herself) and the very funny Michael Patrick King (Murphy Brown, Will & Grace, and of course Sex and the City), it has quite sassy, smart dialogue. Whitney has her own show, which believe me, I’ll get to, as it’s unbelievably bad (but I still watch it), but her best work is in the writing, which I feel comes through best as the very dry, very blunt Max.

Episode 1 of course set the scene, with Max working in a diner where cupcakes she bakes are also sold and Caroline, a Manhattan socialite who has fallen from grace after Daddy fiddled with the books. The juxtaposition of the two personalities works well, especially when Caroline doesn’t really know how to do, well, anything for herself, and gives a real Odd Couple feel. Caroline is sure that Max’s cupcakes could become big business, and projects the start-up costs to be $250,000.

Which brings me to one of the things I really like about the series so far: each episode ends with the figure that the girls have raised so far towards their business. Obviously in 2 episodes they haven’t pulled much together, but you want them to succeed. Everyone has been affected by the credit crunch, and the idea of pulling together money to fulfil your dreams is quintessentially American, and well, human.

I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes, but you should definitely check it out.

ANTM All Stars: Episode 4

As one of the few reality shows I watch (okay, five), I was so excited to see the show is back, as it has been one of my firm favourites since its beginning. But I hadn’t been following any press beforehand, so had no idea it was going to be an “All Stars”. Old familiar faces are back, such as Lisa (“I peed in the diaper”), Isis (post sex-change), Bianca and oh dear lord, my two least favourites ever: Angelea and Alexandria.

So! For this season I would like the results to be:

Winner: Kayla

Runner Up: Laura

But in reality going by decent models, it could also go to Alison (with her beautiful doe eyes), which I'd be happy with.

EPISODE 4 (will contain spoilers):

In episode 4 the models left are: Two-faced Alexandria, Angelic Shannon, Doe-eyed Allison, Crazy ghetto Angelea, Fiesty Bianca, Bat-shit crazy Lisa, Soft Bre, Sweet Southern Laura, "Signature walk" Camille, Androgenous Dominique and well, Kayla. The only defining nickname I can give her is "lesbian" (which they talk about far too much) and well, I like her better than that. Bad-ass Kayla. Let's go with that.

Unfortunately this round seems more like a "reality show" with personalities about starting careers and creating drama, rather than finding/launching a good new model. I feel there are very few decent actual models on it.

What did you think of the Kayla medication thing? Honestly I'm leaning towards just taking the wrong thing and panicking. Cardiac arrhythmia? really? It's so cute that Laura went to the hospital with her. Bianca taking over and looking after her was super-sweet at the beginning, though.

CSI audition! I know the ratings are probably in the toilet these days, so it amused me that CSI was involved in ANTM at all. (Star quote - Kayla: "Man, half the words are longer than my face.") The challenge was pretty hilarious to watch, with them all forgetting the "big words". Like seriously. I know models are supposed to be dumb by stereotype, but dude. They weren't the hardest words. And holy shit, Angelea, who I consider dumber than a box of bricks, handled it just great. Damnit. The last thing I want is for her to win. But go, Bre! She nailed it too and rightfully won the part.

And then there was Lisa. She just swears whenever she messes up. It's brilliant. The sooner that chick is gone, the better. Crrrrrrrazy.

The Express shoot: Bianca ruined all of the admiration I had for her earlier by doing the whole "I'm the model" thing. Honey, just do what you're told. Don't get too big for your boots just yet.

Also, Camille talking about her age and how she won't have as many chances was a ridiculous build-up to her going home. To me from the beginning there was a little bit of a focus on her and it made me stop and think it was going to be her. Her photo was pretty bad, but I think Alexandria's was just as bad. Bye, Camille. Your skin is glorious. Your walk, is not.

Another good ep.. I've also switched on to New Zealand's Next Top Model again and oh dear lord, the accents. I love my homeland and miss it a lot, but yeesh. Give me a bad weegie accent any day over that kind of New Zullund voice.

The box.

Man do I know a lot of film nuts. I spent my teenage years with a core group of guy friends who were nearly all filmmakers, or involved in the process in some way. In particular Chris, Rajeev and Andy made short film after short film, and they just got better and better. Eventually they formed ICW Productions (An Indian, a Chinaman and a White Guy Walk into a Bar Productions) and some of their work can be found here.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve been going a LOT lately.
I’ve always enjoyed going to the movies. I spent many nights with that same good group of friends going to the cinema on a regular basis, though sometimes I’d pull out when finances were tight. Now I live in Edinburgh and have £14.99/month unlimited film-going, Dave and I are there at least once, sometimes three times a week – there’s no way If I lived at home now I’d be going to so many films (which makes me sad – NZ, bring in a similar system!). It means we get to see the good (Drive), the bad (What’s Your Number) and the odd (The Tree of Life) releases, and we definitely go to films we wouldn’t otherwise choose, simply because we’re “not paying for it”. With film prices being £7-8/ticket, we really only have to go twice a month to get our money’s worth, and we’re definitely out-doing that. My film-making friends would love it, and would undoubtedly be seeing and reviewing everything that comes out.

For me, however, my true love? is TV. It gets looked down at by film geeks, but I just love it. Give me a TV show with great characters, a good narrative, an interesting premise... I’m there. (Especially if it’s Whedon). There’s just something about following a character week to week, falling in love with them and their writing, and continuing to obsess for seasons on end. Knowing there is more coming next week.

To be honest, though, I can’t remember the last time I watched shows on actual television. Obviously if I’m sick in bed or lazing on a Sunday I can put the TV on, but I’m much more likely to grab my laptop and download or streaming TV. Don’t get me wrong, if the show’s good, I’ll buy the DVDs, but the idea of being able to watch TV at my own pace, when I can fit it in (usually before bed), or share it with Dave, is great. And I have also almost always lived in countries where shows are released on delay, sometimes by days, sometimes by months. Sometimes shows just never make it to TV. And without buying a TiVo, I can’t imagine how I would keep up with them anyway.

TV got me through a lot of tough times in my life. Break-ups, serious illnesses, deaths. Depression and anxiety are always at the corner of the room, staring me down. But I dive right in to my favourites, and I can escape, cheer myself up, focus on something positive or creative, rather than what’s going on in my head.

I use a site that many may be familiar with, called Sidereel. It tracks all of my favourite shows for me so I know where I’m at and tells me when the next episode is on/released in the US. It also has links to streaming sites which are reliable most of the time. I can do without their “web series” and the presenting/info videos they do, but I do enjoy the interface and tracking system which is pretty awesome. At the moment I’m tracking... 50 shows. Some of them have concluded or been cancelled a long time ago and I’m just re-watching or catching up (Friends, Veronica Mars, Seinfeld), and others are brand new.

I will always love television. The box. The teevee. And I think I’ll start blogging about it, when I can. There are some excellent new shows that I’m enjoying, as well as the old and familiar that I love, and I think it’s worth sharing my thoughts when I have time. No promises. Though I am about to have a lot more time on my hands.

Until next time, folks: same time, same channel...

No.

So casting came and went, and I was very kindly told I was unsuccessful for the show. I received some good feedback that it was a difficult decision for them, which I appreciated, but it was still a huge disappointment. I gave myself some time to get over that feeling, and to decide whether to do the show or not (I really wanted a role and am not keen on the ensemble sections of Sweeney) and I think my feelings might get in the way of my dedication, if that makes sense. The shows with this company take 6 months of hard work rehearsing twice a week, which you throw your heart and soul into... and I just wouldn’t be into it.

For me it feels like the 3rd time I’ve missed out on roles I’ve dreamed of playing... and ironically, it’s been the same girl. I love her to death, she’s gorgeous and very talented, but I’m just... tired. I spend so much time worrying about others and worrying about being humble and being a good person that I think I’d like to spend some time trying to promote myself and push myself. I think I’d rather spend those 6 months focussing a large chunk of my energy on my own music, which I do not do enough of at all.

RENT broke me a little bit. I’d spent over half of my life singing those songs, dreaming of playing those parts, and the idea of doing it just blew my mind. I stuck with it and the ensemble for the first time, and was kindly given some extra bits and pieces to do, after others had pulled out. But Sweeney has no extra bits and pieces, no time to shine, and as awful as it sounds, I think I’d feel just rubbish knowing that I could be doing more. I finally feel I have a bit of my confidence back and I know I have the talent. I’m sorry I ever doubted it before.

So watch this space. There’ll be gigs, new songs, new recordings and hey, maybe I’ll find another show to be in.

I have a lot of writing to do.