Every now and then I go into a complete panic about my career. Everyone seems to think I've done pretty well and that I'm going to be fine, but if you look at my resume, the last real work I had was August 2004. The last theatre I did was 2003, and that was as vocal coach, not involved. The last show I performed in was 2001.
I have no formal acting training. I have no degree of any kind, which drives my parents up the wall. From 2000 - 2003 I had some regular work in a few TV shows, but the studio making it packed up and moved to Australia, then moved back to Wellington and started making a show with no one over 16 involved at all.
My CV looks wordy, but none of it is really in the last 2, 3 years. Enter PANIC MODE. Failure mode. Nervous as hell mode.
My agent started getting concerned about a month back. She didn't want to let me go, but she was concerned that in my age group, I am slipping down the pecking order, as I have the least training out of those she has available, and nothing recent on my CV.
I know I'm not putting myself out there enough. I'm not auditioning for Circa or Bats or Downstage or any of the other theatre companies. I didn't send a tape to What Now!. I haven't put myself forward for extra work for any of the Peter Jackson epics. Part of the problem is my full time job. Part of the problem is my desperation to clear my debt and save some money. Part of it is that I'm a wuss. A very fussy wuss.
I explained to her that I am in the process of recording my EP. I am singing for a hard house duo on their album, which is due for commercial release before winter, I believe.
I have been asked to model in a hair show in August. I am also involved in a short film for a friend this weekend (in a very small role), which is supposed to be shown at a high profile event.
Nothing else is really happening. And despite my occasional panic attack, I don't really mind.
As an actor, I like to really become a character. I study a character and really get into what makes them work. But I hate most of the ponsy acting workshops I have attended. Stanislavski and other techniques that I studied in highschool make me roll my eyes. I don't feel that I'm better than anyone else, or above learning these things, but I just feel that acting should be real. And that knowing myself, I know how to produce these emotions and reactions. I might completely suck. But I work hard.
I just wish some good work would come along to audition for. I definitely can't sit around waiting for things to come to me. I may not have Toi Whakaari training or been on Shortland St yet, but it doesn't mean that I won't study. That I won't still do well.
When I was much younger I thought I'd be in New York at 18, with a big recording contract or broadway part by 20. Now that I'm past both of those ages, I don't really stress. I know that this is what I want to do and that music is my main focus at this point. I know that if I'm good enough and work hard enough, I should be able to go far.
I just need to be patient. And keep working. I feel like this is where I'm meant to be.